WARNING SPIDY PICTURES INCLUDED

Charlie has now moved home :) her house is now this one:



Which I think is a lot better than the house that she was in, plus she now has a huge cave to hide and moult in, which of course means I might not ever see her again! lol


This is Charlie's skin from her moult the other night where she defied spider logic and moulted upright slightly squished up the side of the tank that she was in! :S
And now for a picture of my darling bambino Charlie

and another one for good measure:

Moving her was pretty simple as she willingly crawled into the icecream container that Simon used, and Simon just had to nudge her slightly so that her feeties were not in the way of closing the lid.

Simon created the landscape, I was going to do it but I guess Simon thought he would make a better job of it so I left him to it, he has done a good job actually, we used a sweetie jar for her cave that Simon had from when he had his mantids (I think?!) and then covered it with coco-fibre to make a natural looking hill and Simon then placed her gently into the house and she went straight for the cave heheh, she's still sitting in the same place now, I hope she doesn't become static now she has a lovely house :S

I'm sure you will agree that she is beautiful :)

x

The forum is still dead as a dodo. I can't understand where everyone has gone or why they have suddenly just given up on the forum. It seems as the odd few are coming back and making sure the forum still runs, but there are the odd few that used to come on regular that are not bothering at all anymore.

Oooh Jack Dee is on Live at the Apollo, I like him, such dry wit, I find him hilarious and he has to be one of the best straight faced comedians around.

Simon is playing the technician again and has taken his ipod stand apart and is trying to break a circuit, namely the audio one, so that it works when he tries to sync it with his pc, because at the moment it causes his iphone to time out so there's something in the contraption that is slowing the whole process down and not working. Give him his due though, most of the time when he tries to fix it, it works, he managed to fix Euan's DS when it was totally buggered so he does know his stuff heheh.

We have a load of plants in our bedroom now lol, cheeseplant, dracaena and elephant foot plant x 2 and a begonia on my bedside table heheh I do like plants though, I think they are clearing the air in the bedroom as it does get a tad stuffy in here.

My booby hurts at the moment :( it's my left one and its been hurting quite frequently, but I don't know why, I'm pretty sure there is no lump in there just a tender spot which hurts to touch, maybe the muscle is pulled from being under pressure from spasms a lot? I don't know.

Anyway...

Julian Cleary was also on Live at the Apollo, so bloody funny, I love that man! (not in THAT way) he's just amazing lol he did an act with two lads and lo and behold one was from the army and one from the navy, what a fix lol anyway, he was trying to find out which one was more romantic, they both won in the end.

I upset a friend tonight, I wasn't actually thinking with exactly what I said because I am totally drugged up, so pretty useless to anyone, I should have provided an honest compliment instead of saying what I said, I'm such a twat sometimes I really am. Hopefully she will forgive me, I text her to apologise but I don't know if it's good enough or not.

I am also in the middle of upsetting another friend because I'm such a twat, trying to say the right thing but things that are NOT the right things to say are coming out of my big fat gob I think I had better shut up before I upset her. I suppose I could change the subject to something else but that's not good enough either because she needs to get this problem off her chest.

I'm so bloody useless I can't do anything right. Even when not drugged up to the eyeballs I end up cocking up with saying things that are so out of order and THEN realising what I said, I just need to not say a word.

Time is a ticking again. With the kids not going to bed until 7.30 and 8pm it just seems as though it's no time until we have to go to bed. If we went to bed at the time we SHOULD for the next day, being 10pm we'd have 2 hours to ourselves, I know we have the whole day to ourselves but if we worked we wouldn't have that time to ourselves, I'm just saying when you have kids you really don't get much time to yourselves. *moan over*

I long for them to be old enough to go off and do things for themselves so that Simon and I can have the courting part of the relationship that we haven't had with the children already being with me, that will be nice and will further strengthen our relationship, not that it is weak or anything, I am just as in love with Simon as I was when we first met. He will always be my everything my all in the world.

I'm moving my spiddy tomorrow :) to it's new habitat, I'm rather nervous but excited to create a fantastic house for her, hopefully she will continue to be an active spiddy and make the most of all of her space :) at least if she explores it she will realise how big her new house is and start moving the furniture around like she did when she was first put in the exo-terra I think it's called. Poor baby she deserves more, nothing against Simon he just needed to make space for all of the spiddys, but now he's going to have lots of space because all the spiddys will be gone! The plan is to give her lots of coconut fibre because she enjoys digging in it, I'm going to use some cork bark and I am going to buy some ivy to place around and make it look natural. :D

I can't wait!

I'm just waffling now so I am going to get the hell out of here. ;)

I am hungry anyway.

Ni ni.

x

eeek

Was really poorly last night, I think that having both dinner and bedtime tablets together on an empty stomach was the cause, I kept going into a cold sweat and I could feel my whole body shaking all the time it was a horrible feeling, the muscle near my heart was pulsating violently, I presume it wasn't my heart anyway otherwise i'd have probably had a heart attack and I checked my pulse and although it was going faster than usual considering I'd been lounging around all the time, it didn't seem to be doing anything else?

To be honest I don't know if a spasming heart would be noticed in the pulse, I presume it would because surely it would change the nature of the pulse. So it must be one of the muscles inside making it feel like it's my heart.

Woke up feeling really groggy this morning but we went out to a pet shop to look at a Rankins Dragon, to the untrained eye and as it is now, it looks like a bearded dragon to me, not so disimilar but it's probably completely different if you hold them together. The dragon was £85 which apparently is not a bad price for one according to Simon. EEEK lol

However, I think that Simon has already changed his mind and does not want to bother getting one after working out that he would have to spend £10 on a tile cutter to cut the tiles to the right size before he even prices up the tiles.

Tiles are so expensive these days, I can see why so many people opt for linoleum, which is actually not a bad option as far as I'm aware, it would cost Simon far less than if he were to buy tiles and do it that way, plus linoleum would probably provide better grip in the design that I am thinking of him having. I shall have to suggest lino and see what he says, he'd be daft to turn it down, as long as we can get the right one for him that is. I was thinking of a design that mimics slate or something similar, like what we've got downstairs in the kitchen. (only they're tiles)

I'm feeling very cold today, I was freezing cold when we went outside in the freezing cold,, but as we were coming back in the car I got too hot, but when we got home it was freezing again. It's very cold out there today, it's chilled me to the bone I think which is why I'm still shivering now.

Though it's 12:30 now which means it is very close to me going to bed and I will soon warm up in bed lol.

I mopped downstairs with the new mop I bought from Big D before I came upstairs, that gave me killer back ache and made me feel knackered, maybe that's why I'm so cold now, because I am so knackered, even still I'm going to shut the bedroom door to keep the heat in just in case all the heat from Rex's basking lamp is going out of the room and being hit by the cold air from the rest of the house. It's because Bronny keeps turning her radiator to nearly off so it can't do the job of heating up her room and the top of the stairs too (it's a very big radiator, too big for that room) She would rather be cold than too hot, which is like me really but there's no point being cold when it's really not necessary! :( I shall have a word with Bronny about turning her radiator almost off and sometimes completely off.

Right, I am going to bugger off and sleep now.

Ni Ni lol

xxxx

ooooh mamma!

EDIT (for Kezz, too late now I know but..) THERE IS A SPIDER PICTURE ON THIS BLOG

I am the proud owner of a tarantula! woot! heheh Simon is downsizing his collection of spiddys and I asked if I could have one before he got rid of them all? Well, I've chosen the Chile Rose, so I now have a spiddy for my own :) I'm going to call it Charlie because then no matter whether it's a girl or a boy the name still fits :)

I'm quite excited really and instead of keeping it in the dingy box that it is in now, I am going to transfer it to a 2ft x 1ft aquarium and give it some plants and give it a nature scene so that it feels more at home instead of being stuck in a box with a half log and lots of dry coconut fibre. Will have to wait a short while though because she moulted last night so we don't want to disturb her for now.

I'm really excited actually :) woot! I am actually looking forward to feeding her too, she's a she until we know otherwise, which we probably never will.

*goes to look for a picture of her*

Here we are: My spiddy :)

I am really looking forward to feeding her, have to wait a wee while though as with just moulting she's not going to want to eat anything yet.

I keep looking at her in her home. It's really funny at the moment as it looks as though there are two spiddys in there because her skin is there just sitting there at the edge of the tank, too close to her to rescue it though.

Will be writing another blog about her when I've made her new accommodation :)

bad night :(

I had such a bad night last night, I went to bed early (9:15pm) so I could catch up on some sleep ready for getting up early. Si accidentally (?) woke me up at 10:30pm trying to get Oscar downstairs to bed, then he decided to get a poorly tum and keep needing the toilet (constipation finally easing not the runs) so he started watching BBCi player on his iphone, but I said he didn't have to wear his headphones as I was so tired I was bound to go back to sleep WRONG!!! Simon and I were still awake at midnight! When Simon and I finally settled down to sleep, I kept waking up because I had myoclonic jerks in my arms which were causing me to nearly hit Simon or if I was facing the other way, hit the bedside table, I kept waking up because I kept getting twinges in my knees too, which were rather painful, I just didn't have an hour's solid sleep apart from the first hour I had before Simon woke me up. :(

Bored bored boring

Uneventful day again today, so many days where I do nothing and achieve nothing hmm, but according to Stephen Fry on Qi last night, there is no such thing as "nothing".

I got up, packed away the shopping when it arrived, made lunch (kids craved Jam sarnies) and then came upstairs and chilled out for hours whilst the children alternated their time on the PC, then I had a bath (then finished off with a shower), then I treated bugalugs' hair with nit lotion and nearly collapsed from the overbearing stench from the liquid, poor Bronny her lungs are smaller than mine and she hasn't got oxygen pumping up her nose to relieve it, she must have really been suffering until we opened a window. She sat on the bed and kinda leaned out of the window, but not so far that would cause alarm, Simon was standing right next to her anyway to ensure she didn't do anything stupid.

After that it was tea time, Euan was hungry there and then so insisted on a huge bowl of cereal and Bronny had chicken burgers with lettuce and mayo in baps, Simon had his pizza that I bought. I had my left over wedgies and a beef stew and dumplings microwave meal. Which for some reason has given me tremendous amount of wind which is escaping my body using the vents from both ends. rofl My tummy sounds like an active volcano that is about to blow eeek *reserves toilet between now and bedtime lol phew I stink.

I can't keep my damn eyes open tonight, going to have to sign out soon and go to bed I think.

Good night fellow bloggies.

x

Hello fans.

How are we all this evening, hope everyone is well :) heheh I sound like I've got a real fanbase, I wish, in fact I don't think I do want to be that famous actually, I would have to really worry about what I say then.

I am sorry to anyone that I upset or offended or shocked with my note on FaceBook, not only did it get me a response from Caroline, my sister-in-law, who was merely protecting her husband it also got me a rollocking from my Dad, which really broke my heart, I've not been told off by my Dad since I lived at home and it really affected me, I try very hard to make him proud of me and then I go and do something stupid like that so he is disgusted in me :(

I can't help it, I can honestly blame it on my state of mind due to being poorly, either that or being drugged up most of the time, I just do not think about my actions a lot of the time, every action has a reaction and I don't think about that moreso.

I have just seen a picture of my two cousins on Facebook and it looks like they joined in on some fundraising expedition, perhaps the fantastic carnival that they have in Polesworth every year? Anyway, it's made me even more determined to go and see them at some point so that I can give them a big hug, I miss my Aunty Teresa too, I was her favourite niece at some point not sure if I still am now considering I haven't seen her in years.

Oscar has his eye on Rex (our new chameleon), well he did until he noticed a cricket on the screen and when he went for that Simon shooed him away so we could ensure that it's not one of the escaped ones, yes we have escaped ones 3 or 4 I think, running around in our bedroom, hopefully they will die before they actually get too big heheh, I sound really calm about it, to be honest there's no point rollocking him about it, he can't do anything about them being on the loose so there's no point complaining about it.

Ooo I've been quit smoking for 2 years and 4 months now. To be absolutely honest I think if I wasn't so poorly and not on oxygen I would probably have not succeeded in quitting, I would probably be still smoking now, though who'd say that my breathing would be any worse? lol charming, I quit smoking in the October and then end up on Oxygen in the January, what does that tell you about quitting? heheh

I think I upset my Mum with the comments I made on facebook to be honest but if everyone didn't treat me as if I was faking it, I wouldn't have needed to write that note.

Hold on a minute, maybe it's me that's the problem, maybe it's my paranoia that I KNOW I have causing the problem, maybe everyon does believe me and is behind me but it's just my stupid mind that makes me think that they don't believe me. Perhaps I should just shut up and stop being so selfish and me me me and I would find that my family do give a monkey's bottom.

Though, I'm not selfish and me me me at all so i don't understand, it HAS to be my mind set and my drugged state which is making me so highly paranoid. I've always fought for the support from my family and I've always felt that I have to work at things and still they are not proud of me, but perhaps if they said once in a while that they are proud of me if they are I would find life a lot easier.

It has to be all me, how could my whole family be against me when all I have done is be poorly. No-one has offered their assistance EVER though, if my daughter was poorly I'd make sure I invited the family for dinner at LEAST one night each week so that she didn't have to cook every night. I know that Mum isn't exactly 100% herself but you'd think knowing first hand what it feels like to not be able to move without wanting to scream out in pain that she would be a tad more supportive. They invite Caroline and Dave regularly so why can't they invite us? I guess we'll get invited to more places when the children are older and better behaved. Euan causes us a problem wherever we go at the moment, people are reluctant for us to go to their houses because they know he'll kick up a stink at the end of the night.

I might invite Mum and Dad over this weekend actually, unless it's too late notice, probably would be, there's no point inviting Simon's family any more. If Simon had TOLD me that his Mum said if he got a snake she would never come to the house again, then when he asked me if I had any problem with him getting a snake I'd have said, "hey hold on a minute, do you want to never see your Mum under this roof again?" but no, he told me AFTER he got the snake. Typical man, he knew that if he had told me that prior to purchase I would have said no way lol.

I have a beautiful Oscar puddy cat sitting at my feet, he's watching the hamsters from afar, he's been banned off my desk for the night because he keeps walking around to the chameleon and pestering him. *rolls eyes* He is also watching Simon's torch. It's really funny watching him watch the hamsters with his big big black eyes (it's dark ish in here) and then swiftly moving his head to watch the torch light he is so attentive is our puss.

I'm scared now. You know when you're really tired as a passenger in the car and you get home and then you realise you can't remember HOW you got home? Like which route was taken or something because you just didn't keep attentive? (I've done that driving before it's bloody scary to think WHAT I was doing during the time that I can't remember?) anyway have you ever had a time where you realise you cannot remember a bit of time? Well, I was watching Simon spraying his frog, he then asked me if I wanted to have a look at her whilst she was in the water. Next minute he was putting his pc on. I asked him what he was doing as it's the time we normally go to bed, not start to do something? He said that he was going to import the pictures. I asked him what pictures. He had taken loads of pictures of the frog between spraying and asking me if I wanted to have a look. So the time it took him to take the pictures is a complete gone, I didn't witness him doing it at all. It's not as if I was just getting into typing this, I didn't see the flashes that would be required at this time of night? I have lost a fair few minutes of my life. It makes me wonder how many times it has happened to me in the past. I know it's happened at least twice now because I remember driving home from a party (Ann Summers so not drunk) and I got home and then realised that I didn't know which way I had actually driven home. then obviously there was what just happened. eeek

Hhhmmmm I'm not sure whether there is anything else to write tonight, so I'm going to bog off now and leave it as that.


Ni ni peeps

x

Charming, Simon has just told me that if his snake gets too big for the viv she is in now he is going to feed myself and the children to the pet crocodile he is having and then there will be room. How loving and caring is he? rofl

I opened my email for the first time in about 4 days today, to find an email that my Dad sent to me on 16th Feb basically politely telling me off for slagging Dave off in public and swearing on facebook, he's asked me to not do such things again. Mum obviously told him after Caroline told her what I had done. *rolls eyes* It could have been Dave that had seen it first and told Caroline and my Mum of course :S in which case Caroline is actually innocent in this matter.

Either way she has deleted me from facebook AFTER I stated my apology not quite sure how that works considering I believe I didn't say anything bad in my apology to her.

Anyway.....

I'm not going to discuss this matter again because it just gets me upset and angered at the fact that it always seems to be me against them.

Emma has arranged to come round on the weekend not this weekend the weekend afterwards. I suggested that if the weather is good, we will go to the park in hednesford, me too to watch the kids playing :) then Emma and I can talk about stuff whilst they play. Obviously weather permitting, will probably piss down that weekend now.

Goind back to my rollocking from Dad, he mentioned about using swear words on the internet where it can be seen by all sorts of people and that it doesn't look too good. So I'm going to be a good girl from now on and not swear on facebook or on here, if I remember heheh.

I'm hungry again. I have had cereal today, a bowl of rice crispies, don't think I had anything yesterday I cannot remember :S That is bugging me now I genuinely cannot remember, oh yes I had cottage pie which was so plain and horrible and had to cook it so long the edges were dry and horrible last time I cooked it for the alloted time it was frozen in the centre. I really didn't like it. Simon and Bron had meat and mash and veg for dinner, Euan had spam, beans and toast.

I've managed to shrink my tummy down to accepting one meal a day as fodder enough to keep me going for a while, apart from today I've obviously screwed up somewhere. Perhaps rice crispies are not enough because they are just "hollow" grains of rice whereas all the other cereals are really "stodgy" to eat because they are high in insoluble fibre like weetabix, shredded wheat, all the wheat cereals are filling.

I'll get it down to a smaller amount required to eat soon though, then I might actually start to lose weight will need lipo to get rid of thighs and butt though, and tummy lol

Right, eyelids are trying to shut up shop for the night and put the padlocks in theshutters so I had better give up and go.

Huggles to all

xx

I see now

After sleeping on it I see now that I was completely in the wrong when I wrote that note and I deserved the mouthful that I got from Caroline, perhaps if I THINK before I speak I would be able to keep the peace.

I am expecting my Mum to phone at some point to have a go at me too, though she did send me a text telling me that she believes in me and loves me so I guess Caroline grassed me up to her too. Sometimes I wish she'd keep her nose OUT of family business as she is an INLAW after all.

*shuts up* this post wasn't an attack it was me admitting that I am in the wrong yet again, but the reason WHY I wrote the note is not my fault, they shouldn't make me feel so bad. :(

Anyway, I think I'm writing this for myself, but I am also writing it so that Jane is not mad at me anymore.

I deserve everything I get but it honestly wasn't an attack at anyone it was me telling it how it is my side of the coin.

*shuts up*

I don't believe it! FFS

I decided that it was time for my selfish egotistical brother to see MY side of the story? I typed a note which was simply talking about the way people treat me, not once do I see myself to have slagged anyone off but apparently according to my Sister-in-Law, I did slag her beloved husband, my Sister, my parents and the rest of the family off. What complete and utter bullshit! I copied and pasted the note to my good friend Bindi on TN to see if she thought that I had slagged them off because with it being my note I could be being blind to the fact that I've slated them, or biased to the fact that I believe that I haven't.

Either way Caroline and her daughter Sophie have deleted me on FaceBook, I mean HOW CHILDISH could one get? FFS. My Brother hasn't deleted me though, maybe he wants to see what I'm going to say next, I don't know, maybe he actually secretly regrets being the way he is, I still don't know. It's probably the former though he hasn't got a heart when it comes to me.

Now my Mum is going to fall out with me because Caroline will twist things and make out that I did actually slag my parents off in it, it's not fair it really isn't, she was just waiting for an excuse, a reason to push me out of my own family and I damn well gave it to her. On a platter, gold one at that.

Though, I didn't really because if you read into the note the way that I wrote it, you will see that I have in fact done fuck all wrong, I have just simply been honest about the way that I feel instead of covering up and acting as if there is nothing wrong, which simply is not true, there is a lot wrong!

For instance, it is not my fault that they don't believe me is it?

*shuts up*

__________________________________________________________________

Hmmmm how has today gone?

Pretty crap if you want the truth, Euan has been a little shit all day constantly beating Bronny up and mouthing at me and answering me back, totally ignoring me when I've sent him to his room. I will soon find out if it's because he is just tired or whether it is because he is poorly in some way. Usually when we have a day where he is so angry all the time it usually precedes a poorly episode like an ear infection or a chest infection etc, sometimes even just a head ache or something, it's like the storm before the storm not the calm before the storm heheh

I haven't seen Simon's snake come out to investigate her surroundings yet, she has come out for food and water but she's not out casually like most snakes in the vivs in the shops are, they are always out and not hiding, though it's rare that they are given a hiding place because if you want a snake but can't see it, you're likely to go somewhere were you can see it? Surely if it's not hiding 24/7 that means it is healthy? To be honest I think that Simon's snake doesn't like the citronella on the hemp, they do use citronella as a snake repellant. Simon says he phoned the people that make it and asked them about the citronella in hemp and they told him it it wasn't enough to affect the snake. I beg to differ, when ou open that bag it smells lovely of citrus scents, there's no way only a few drops have been added to that one bale.

I'm going now. Ni ni.

correct again!

I was right again :( I don't know what has been said but Mum accidentally sent me a text that was for Caroline this morning Hi Caroline, what time did monkey get you up today? Carol phoned today and she didn't mention anything.

SO I was damn well right, they HAVE been talking about me behind my back. *rolls eyes*

eeeeeeeeeep

Hello fellow blog reader(s) (only one person has confirmed they still read the blog)

I haven't got much to write today, or at least that's how it's going to start out.

What my brother said is still bugging me, he is such a bastard and thinks the whole world revolves around him. Well this time round he's in the wrong, there is no reason for him to disown me and treat me like shit yet he still does. That's up to him though, I would like to think that some time in the future he will need me to do something for him, then I have the option of telling HIM to F off and get a life like he told me to for no reason.

If he makes comments about people on benefits I am BOUND to have a go at him, I am sick of him and his "I work so you don't have to" attitude, if only he knew the half of it, if only he suffered the half of it. Just because Mum's Doc Killeen has said that you can get better from Fibromyalgia etc they stopped giving a shite about me being poorly, well screw them, if they want to believe that I'm faking it, it's up to them, they are not being affected by my poorly so why the fuck would they care anyway. Yeah I really enjoy sitting and moaning about what a crap life I lead and about how much pain I am in and so on, I do it because I want to, yeah OK WHATEVER.

That's the trouble with invisible illnesses, they just don't believe you because they cannot SEE or FEEL what you are going through, I don't care anymore though if they want to be disillusioned by a doc who doesn't know what he is talking about then that, is up to them. Just because he "knew" someone who had it and they got better after 2 years it does not mean that everyone who has it got better after two years. Some people are bed bound they have it so bad, as if they are faking it ffs.

I'm angry, I'm sick to death of having to try and prove myself. I have decided not to talk to them about it anymore, if Mum asks about me I'll say "what's the point in telling you as you won't believe me anyway" I'm sick of it, I'm not getting the support of my own family it's just so not fair, they wanna believe a stupid doctor who know's nothing about it then that's their hard cheese.

It's not been confirmed that I have it yet anyway as the Rheumatologist thinks I have too many symptoms to have just Fibro, so basically he's refusing to diagnose me as having fibro. I just cannot believe it, when it comes to reviewing my files in however long I have until they want to know how I am, I have to fill in a bundle of paperwork all over again because I cannot just say "This is what I have so this is why I cannot work, or walk" :( *sobs*

I know I'm not the only one in this boat, but it is annoying and upsetting at the same time, they just do not understand, they cannot begin to understand what I go through on a daily basis! How dare they make assumptions, in my head? The pain is pretty damn fucking real to me! Even if it is in my head it's still serious because how the fuck did it get there and how the fuck am I supposed to get it out? Lobotomy? *rolls eyes*

I wish I had the guts to publish this in my facebook notes so that they can read it and see what I'm going through every day, they still wouldn't understand though, they'd still decide that until I have a proper diagnosis I'm faking or exaggerating it and there is nothing wrong etc etc.

I didn't CHOOSE to be like this, I didn't turn round and think, screw life I wanna be stuck in the house, I want to be wheelchair bound outside, I want to not be able to play footie in the park with my children, I want to not be able to swim with my children and have fun, I want my children to have a depreciated life because we can't go and do this, that and the other. Yeahright, I forgot apparently I did choose this life.

How dare he discuss my health with my Mum and make presumptions anyway, I am not his patient and even if I was it would be illegal for him to discuss me without my consent to my Mother, he reckons that at some point I did need oxygen but now I am just dependant on it and addicted and my body THINKS it needs it. Yeah OK, try saying that to me when I'm almost falling BACK down the stairs because half way up I don't have the puff to get the rest of the way up. Try saying that to me when I'm struggling to breathe throughout the night in bed and I wake up not breathing at all and have to gasp for air as if I was drowning...

I feel like telling Mum to warn him to shut up or I'll sue him for breech of privacy or whatever it is that he is doing, yes so OK I'm not his patient, but it gives him no right to discuss me and diss me the way he does, he's not even seen me since I have been in this state, how dare he make these assumptions. Mum shouldn't be discussing me the way she does anyway, how dare she try and consult me in my absence!

*calms down*

*changes subject*

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon bought me a valentine's card and present bless him he said that he thought I would be pissed with him if he didn't bother lol he's romantic really that's why he did it, not because of what he said, he probably noticed all the cards when he went in the other day and decided to get me a little something as a surprise, it was definitely a surprise, I wasn't expecting ANYTHING heheh. He bought me "Horton hears a Who" which was brilliant, we watched it as a family today :D

Just phoned my mum, she phoned twice today whilst I was in bed and obviously I didn't get up to answer the phone and Simon didn't answer it so we just left it ringing. She was just phoning to see how we all are, we actually spoke for quite some time tonight and about things that I wouldn't normally talk to her about, she told me what she's up to in the week, boasted about Clare's trip to Disneyland Paris and then actually asked how I was and LISTENED instead of changing the subject. Perhaps Dave told her that he'd upset me or something, or Caroline might have said, NAH they wouldn't give a shite.

Anyway, now I've rambled a lot I am off to bed now so good night my fellow bloggy friends, I hope that you still get entertainment of sorts from my bloggies and will see you all real soon :)

xx

uugggghhhhhh arrrrgggghhhh

That's better, finally got the children out of the bedroom after they were in here being pains in the butt, they came in because Bronny wanted a new game, then Euan came in and plugged his charger in to play on his DS, they both got comfy on the bed and then Euan moved between Bronny and me, plenty of room but Bronny started kicking and elbowing him claiming he was squashing her, truth was that she was pissed that he was between myself and her. I ended up kicking them both out because they were doing my bloody head in. Arguing and bickering because Bronny was being a cow claiming she was squashed, Euan pestering "when are we going to watch that DVD?" all the time *rolls eyes*

On a better note, I received a funny card and a present from Simon for valentines day, it was a DVD, Horton Hears a Who! I'm quite looking forward to watching it, I told the children that they could probably watch it with us and Euan has been pestering ever since to tell him a time that we are going to watch it, not that he can tell the time but that's him for you, if it's an hour he understands but any other time he can't get it right, for instance it was quarter to 5 last night and Euan said it was 5 to 9, because the numbers said so *rolls eyes* I have no idea when he's actually going to take it all in and LEARN how to tell the time. I bought him a digital watch for his birthday last year so it was easier for him to learn how to read the time, but he didn't use past and to when telling the time he always read out digits, like it's eleven twenty two instead of it's 22 minutes past 11 heheh.

I am having a whale of a time deviating from the original point today lol I'm useless! Already I cannot focus and nor can I read what I am typing properly and I'm having to correct a good few words because I have them totally and utterly wrong. *rolls eyes* I suppose the good thing is that I can still recognise that the words are wrong, it's just that the brain cannot think straight when typing it and it keeps telling my fingers to type the wrong words. :(

I just fell into a daydream then too, a deep one that could almost be classed as going to sleep and dreaming, I dreamt that there was special locks on the door to frog cage and that you had to speak the password for them to open and they were jammed open and we were desperately trying to sort them out before the frog escaped out of the tank lol In realisty there is only one lock on the doors and that is a central lock when the cage is shut tight, the hinged bits do not have locks on them heheh.

I am jist about ready for bed, have fallen asleep so many times and now the kids are having a go at me because I won't let them in our bedroom to sit and play on their DS's *rolls eyes*

This isn't tablet related this time, it's way too early for the tablets to affect me, they usually affect me between 2 and 3 pm, I know it's not that far away but I took the tablets at the same time as usual if not later this morning so the effect from the morning tablets should be later on than now, the lunchtime tablets won't have kicked in yet either.

It must be the poorly again because it really can't be the tablets.

Someone said that I am an amazing blog writer and after a year of writing this blog I should release it as a book because it is that good, I don't agree though because it's crap and I spend most of my time waffling about complete and utter crap lol I don't think it would be any good.

Geesh I just fell asleep again (and again) I think I had better stop and have a lie down heheh though maybe if I get off my butt and do something then I won't be falling asleep. Don't know though legs are really weak today so not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Lizard has learned to come down to the large plant pot and feed from there which is a good thing as it means that we know he is eating when we see him scoff a cricket.

Simon has run out of locusts not sure if he needs me to buy some or not or whether he is planning on getting some, he needs some as they are frog food.

Right that's me waffled on I'm off to do the Tesco order for delivery hopefully tomorrow now.

Bye bye.

x

Upset now

I can't help but think of Dave's attack on facebook, he was so bloody nasty it has made me wish that I didn't have him as a brother, I don't even understand why he is still holding a grudge to me I just don't think he gives a shit, he is so selfish I cannot believe that he could be that way, I apologised to him for the situation with his precious daughter (just because I didn't go out of my way to take the children to her parties apparently it means that I disowned her and didn't acknowledge her at all) Caroline has forgiven me, or at least she claims she has, so why can't he? How would he like it if it were the other way around. If it was not for me they wouldn't have even met in the first place so I don't think he has much room to bear a grudge.

I'm so upset about it, I want to be angry at him and say something downright nasty back but there is no point he'll just use that as an excuse to hate me all the more. I'm used to being pushed out by them pair (him and my Sister, she treats me like shit too) so I'll just sit and play my own games and bring up my children how I want them bringing up. Sod them. Clare is pissed with me because I forgot Joe's birthday one year and he was upset about it, she still holds a grudge about that, David claims I didn't acknowledge he had a daughter (Oh so what, so I didn't run around her and bow down to her every whim and need like everyone else does) doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that she exists, just means I have better things to do than run around after my niece.

I don't understand my family, I have to make so much effort to be acknowledged and even then 1/2 of them literally don't give a flipping shite about me. Mum and Dad never take the initiative to just come and visit I have to nigh on beg them to visit me and then they only agree so they can finish off the evening with a pizza hut meal. Not once have they thought "oh we'll invite them out to Pizza Hut" not bloody once.

Gramps was the only family member that gave a shit about me and even he doesn't love me as much as he did any more, he's really offish and has fallen out with me with regard to an issue that arose back when I was school age, not even sure why that has come about now, he is very upset about it and I think that even though I am the innocent party he blames me for it, so he's got that stuck in his old head now then, now he doesn't love me like he used to, he used to phone me every week to see how I am, now he doesn't phone me at all. I'm not even sure whether he has my number but that's no excuse as he could have gotten it off Mum and Dad or when I've phoned him he could have asked for it. Nan and Gramps were like parents to me and now I've lost Gramps as well as Nan I feel like all my family has died. It's horrible, I have no-one and I can't even get closer to Christina and Gary because Christina seems funny with me as if she doesn't want me around, not sure what Simon has said to make her feel that way actually.

It's all my own fault I guess, everyone hates me because I am me, there's no other reason to it. Right now, honestly truthfully? I wish I wasn't even on this planet, or universe, I wish that my illness was terminal and I died. Gone, then there's nothing to worry about is there? Kids would get taken into care and they'd find a perfect rich family for them to live in where they would get what they want when they want, go out whenever they want and generally live a better life than they do now. Simon wouldn't miss me in the long run, he'd just go back to being single again, at least he'd have room to put more pets in the house if I were not around him.

My parents wouldn't miss me, they are too busy drooling over precious Olivia and their Son and Daughter-in-law, then there's the daughter and son-in-law to coo over and be close to, too. They are both worthy of my parents love. Gramps is just Gramps, he wouldn't miss me in the slightest, not now he's got it in his head that a situation that he IMAGINES is there is all my fault.

The only things stopping me, honestly is the fact that I don't want someone else to have my children, I may be doing a terribly crap job at bringing them up (just look at their mental states) but at least I am trying my damned hardest. Simon, I love him with all my heart even though he's changed since we met, I've grown to love him more as he's changed, sometimes not for the better but he's my Simon and no-one can take him away from me. Unless they state their undying love for him that is and he likes them, that's all it would need, he's a soft bugger is that man of mine.

What am I talking about, I'd be too scared to do it, I'm scared of pain don'tya know. Even more petrified of death, I'd love to die in my sleep that way I'd not know anything about it, has to be the best way that anyone could go to be honest, that's the way for me, none of this hanging, drowning, over-dosing (although if I went to sleep first that might work) for me.

I think I need an upgrade in medication to be honest, either that or I'm just going through a bad patch. Whatever it is I hope that it leaves me soon, I shouldn't be thinking like this when I have children.

It doesn't help that I am living in times where we are constantly worried about where money is coming from for this that and the other to be honest. Though, I'd be a LOT better off if I didn't have to give Simon £60 a month towards the damn electricity bill, £30 a month I could easily cope with. I might change it to that actually, that way I've got a better chance of being able to get the shopping at the end of the week. I don't know though, I don't want to put Simon in the shit because he needs his money (let's try and remember that half of that money AT LEAST!!! is supposed to be mine too!)

*stops complaining*

*shuts up*

*decides to bugger off to bed instead*

Oooh I could crush a grape.

David (my brother)'s Facebook Status : David Venables is working harder,as millions on benefit depend on it !

That pisses me off. We don't depend on him in the slightest, yes we get our money out of the taxpayers money but I CAN NOT work so why should I not be able to still cater for my family's needs? Oooh comments like that really piss me off.

Stupid hamsters are crawling hanging upside down along the bars on the top of the cage and then dropping down into the lowest part of the cage so they're kamikazi jumping lol stupid hamsters. It can't hurt as he's doing it repeatedly, it must be a game for them. They've been hanging on with their hands and chewing the bars too. Their feet look pretty useless when it comes to hanging upside down, I guess if they were in a proper cage with bars their feet would be used to help clamber up the sides though, I don't know?

Have been talking to Tracey via text, haven't spoken to her since 2004! She didn't seem to want to know me back then but now she is texting me lots. Perhaps she has noone else because she is like that, she is one of those "friends" that only wants you when there is noone else around to "play with" I'm used to it as she was like that at scchool too :S always a user never been used. \Though saying that I actually used her as a baby sitter once when SI and I went somewhere (can't remember where we went) and she looked after Euan for me. It wasn't for that long though I think we only went into town for something I can't remember all that far back.

My dearest brother has just had a go at me on FaceBook and told me that the only reason I am in his friend list is to keep everyone else from having a go at him for not being my friend. Here was me thinking he'd finally grown up and stopped having a grudge at me when I don't actually deserve it he can be so bloody evil sometimes that brother of mine can! :(

Stupid hamster is still doing it rofl I'll have to get Si to take a video for me. lol have done it myself and placed it on the forum lol daft silly hamster.

Time for some cereal methinks and to see what Simon is up to.

x

*sigh*

I'm knackered, all I did was put a load of washing in the washing machine and put it on, load the tumble dryer and switch that on, sort a load of washing that's clean and dry and put it away. I feel like I've run the 1500 metres at school, I'm not exaggerating either and my breathing matches that scenario :(

I used to be on my feet all day and hardly get the chance for my arse to touch a seat and I'd have the energy to do it, true I'd find myself knackered the day after but I'd do it. It's just not fair that I can't barely do anything without puffing for breath and having backache and arms and legs aching like hell and generally feeling like shit.

What is the difference between a Doctor and a Mr when it comes to consultants? Yes a Doctor has a doctorate, does that mean that a Mr has a Mistorate? pmsl. Seriously does anyone know the difference? Is a Mr more senior to a Doctor or what?

Daft Lizard is on the door to the flexarium at the moment, I think he is intent on escaping, either that or he wants Simon's hand? heheh he could do we'll never know. Are chameleons escapologists? not even sure whether that is spelled correctly.

I had a bad night last night, kept waking up every hour yet again, it really narks me when I do that because I don't feel like I've had much sleep when I get up in the morning when that happens. I'm going monged now already and hungee actually. I had a bowl of cereal before bed yesterday afternoon then faggots and chips for dinner. heheh whenever I have a hot dinner the night before I'm always starving by lunchtime the next day, it's almost as if my body clock is all mixed up and it's treating the night time dinner as breakfast, or maybe because I don't eat it's that meal that I DO have that is waking up my digestive system so I do eat something. I'm not really losing weight quickly any more, it's stupid because you would think that with not eating I would lose the weight because it would be burning my fat up as energy. Maybe now we've run out of crisps I'll start to lose the weight, I was eating them sensibly with or AS meals not as if I was pigging them all the time.

I want to be a size 12 again, I looked too gaunt in the face as a size 8-10 so I need to lose weight to get to a size 12, which will take quite some time as that is about 4 dress sizes to lose, which means 8 inches all over I think, that's a lot of inches to lose. I bet my arse stayes huge and my tummy will forever be a pot tummy, I don't think I can ever be thin thin, it's my dream to have such a fantastic bod that I'm not scared to flash a bit of flesh (even though I wouldn't because Simon wouldn't be too happy if I did) It would just be nice to be thin and look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted with the way I look. At the moment I just want to get a knife and physically slice off the fat, that would be so fab if I could do that. No, I have to do it th e hard way so that I am reminded when I am at perfect weight for my body that eating makes you fat and huge and a size 20 when you used to be a size 10, it's eating that makes me that huge. Eating is going to have to be a sin that I only partake in when I'm absolutely starving and at passing out stage, though I cannot do that because I need to line my stomach with food to prevent my tablets from ripping it to pieces. Though, I've come off the gastric ripping out tablets thankfully, but I am sure that some of them should be watched with an empty tum, I presume that their effect would be stronger for a start (ooh less pain!)

What am I talking about? I'm a fat pig that loves food, there ain't no way I could slim down. Yes, I don''t eat at every meal at the moment, in fact some days will be lucky if I have A meal at all, but I am not exactly food-shy, if we had all the good stuff in the house I would probably eat it. I have run out of weightwatchers microwave dinners now so I'm going to have to go without as I don't know what amounnts of what I should and shouldn't be eating to stay just on the edge of being poorly cuz I'm not eating, I want to lose so much that I feel ill, but am not actually ill?

I haven't got a problem, I'm just fat, as you can see in pictures of me, no you can't see? Well I'll try and post some that show how fat I really am without being nekkid. My clothes hide a LOT of my fat, they must do as that woman wouldn't believe that I was 14 - 15 stone, she put me down as 12-13, there's no way I lost that much though, I'm still a fat heffer and I'm still bigger than I was pregnant with Euan (apart from my belly) and I was 12 stone on the dot when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with him (I remember from May 22nd 2002 when I broke my ankle when they weighed me.)

It sounds bloody windy outside :S poor kids if they are playing outside right now, though lunchtime is in 12 minutes I think so hopefully the wind will have died down by the time they actually go out to play. DOH, I'm so stupid, it's my tumble dryer I can hear that is making it sound bloody windy rofl I am sooooo stupid.

OOOh post. Bet it's Simon's, it's ALWAYS Simon's post, he gets lots and lots of post, too much post if you ask me! rofl It could be a newspaper though as he's not rushing to the door to get it, oh he's got it now, I bet/hope it's his screen protector for his iphone he's been waiting patiently for it for months now, especially as it was supposed to come included in the pachage for the back casing of the phone. It can't be anything spectacular because you still have to be able to use the touch screen as there are few keys to the phone and they are only function keys like volume and such.

Geesh I've waffled some crap today haven't I? heheh I'll sign off now though as my waffle is about all waffled out for now.

Sarah Sidle is so selfish

being a character on CSI, but she went off to do something somewhere completely leaving poor heartbroken Grissom in the lurch and leaving him so downtrodden and unable to sleep. I guess she had a right to do SOMETHING after nigh on dying when she was kidnapped by that psychopath woman and then not being able to help someone find their Son's killer or something or someone was let go, or their son wreaked revenge and got sent down or something I really cannot remember what happened that made her give her job up. But to give up on Grissom like that must have meant that she didn't truly love him after all. You don't leave someone you love even if your heart mind and body isn't settled in that place, if you truly love them you adapt for them, you don't just dump on them and go off and do your own thing. If I wanted to do something and Simon wouldn't come with, I wouldn't just go and leave him back home, I'd not go.

I don't know though, maybe some people see love differently. I think that Grissom needs a real woman though, someone like Lady Heather, she is a strong woman and would never dump on him, she's a fantastic person, even though she used to be what she was I think she is a fantastic lady.

Though, dissing her previous job, they say it is that kind of place that keeps the sexual deviants off the streets trying to find their kicks with total strangers and murdering and or kidnapping (other way round I know) and raping them. How you force someone to give you pain without them knocking your head off to get away I don't know lol.

*stops thinking along those lines before bed* There's another "Jason" film out I see, you'd have thought that he would be left truly dead and buried or whatever instead of coming back all those times, I mean how many times has he come back to hunt his victims now? I've lost count. *rolls eyes* though it's as bad as those Saw films I mean how many times can they drag that one up aswell. I guess it was done in the past though with all those Freddy movies, shit me did they scare me, I could never go to bed without checking under it again, I couldn't go to sleep near the edge of the bed, but then I remembered that one that was sucked through the centre of the bed and oh, I better stop thinking about that too.

These movies are designed to scare us so they do their job, but boy do they put the willies up me, now I'm not 100% on the difference between reality and in my head they are the sort of film that really shouldn't be watched, I was bad enough when I was normal (how do I define normal?) but now I'd never sleep and never switch the lights off ever again. The Grudge, that still gets me, the noise that the "ghost" makes, the noise you make by making a deep O in the back of your throat, it's had to explain but that noise makes my hair stand on end and a chill down my spine, even in broad daylight it freaks me out heheh Even if I make the noise myself I end up shit scared rofl

Simon had to go out and get a new flexarium today, that's another £30.49 spent on that bloody chameleon, Rex (the new Chameleon's name is Rex) fell off his perch to the bottom today which obviously concerned us so we have put him in a new flexarium with lots of foliage underneath should he decide to fall again, if he falls again then there is something wrong with him I fear. Simon has been told by more than one person that he has got bone deficiency disease, which is caused by a lack of vitamin D and calcium, but the girl who sold him reared her himself and says that he's had his UV tube and calci and vitamin supplements from birth, so there shouldn't be any chance that he has it. Unless he's like me and is an anomaly rofl

We now have 2 plants outside the flexarium that we didn't plan on having, the cheese plant that Simon has no intention of chancing it incase it poisoned Baron, and the dracena that he feels is too dangerous for the chameleons as now both of them have slipped whilst trying to gain purchase on it. I like both plants but I'd not have them where they are had we planned to have house plants. I would have liked them or at least one of them downstairs but Simon claims that Monstera (cheese plant) is toxic to cats *rolls eyes* I'm sure it wasn't on the copious list that I was given. *goes to check* It's not on my list of plants on the forum at all. I have followed a link given by another website trying to find out whether or not it is toxic to cats and it showed a completely different variant of monstera, either that or our "cheeseplant" has been incorrectly labelled.

Right, I'm off now anyway because I want to play Harvest Moon before I go to bed, I hope it's a damnsight better than the Rune Factory version anyway, I don't mind working for a living but when they don't explain HOW to earn your living it's pretty bad going lol

Bye bye.

*Wonders if anyone still reads her blogs* Please let me know if you do, either by replying with a comment or by telling me by email or something, or on pm in the forum or something, I got my on and in the wrong way round then but never mind.

bye!

Eeeeek

Rex is on the roof! Eeek, he's tried to get as close to the basking lamp as he can, which of course means he is going to burn his head most probably, though he has been used to 90degF and the basking area itself is only 83 so that's possibly why he is so far up, perhaps he wants to be a lot warmer, as long as he doesn't hang upside down and risk falling, at the moment his back legs and tail are on the side of the flexarium, it's only his front legs that are on the top.

Faunarium, Flexarium, Terrarium and Vivarium, and downstairs we have an aquarium lol I don't think there is any other kind of arium that we could have lol. I THINK rium means room, not sure what language it is but I'm sure I read somewhere that is what it stands for.

Oh dear, it's 10:21am and I'm totally monged and in need of a sleep. I am totally tired, dizzy, feeling sick, can't focus properly (excuse spelling mistakes if I make them) and I generally feel monged beyond belief, as I've just found out, my voice is slurred a bit too..

I should be going to bed but hopefully this will pass soon and I'll be able to stay awake. I doubt it though I think this is a need bed session. Simon has just gone downstairs so I had better go to bed really because I shouldn't be in this state upstairs on my own.

BUT I don't want to go to sleep now, it's only 10 it's not fair. Oooh I'm getting audible hallucinations too now, that is so we;rd when they start, they're quite funny but weird.

I better take my leave.

x

Waffle

Just had a phonecall from the Social, they are coming out this afternoon to fit me a grab rail for outside so I can get into the house from outside without using Simon to grab onto lol They're coming some time after 2pm so that's brilliant. :)

All that is outstanding now is getting Euan's care worker in place, the Family support worker or whatever it is called but I have to chase Mandy for that because she was the one that was supposed to have sorted it all out.

I can see why these old people that are waiting work to be done end up popping their clogs before anything is done now it just takes so long to sort out and get done! The bannister took forever, but at least that is completed now, it's just a shame that the rail in the bath is not where I wanted it to be, it was supposed to be a rail to get out of the shower not to help me in and out of the bath, but I suppose if I did it the way I am supposed to and got out via the bath board then it wouldn't be a problem. Only problem here is that the bath board is the wrong size for this bath, it fits, but when you come to tighten it up you can't do it both sides at the same time, I'm not quite sure how Simon managed to fit it safely but when I tried to put it on it just slid about which is not safe when I have to try and lift myself onto it, I'm not exactly a feather.

Right, I think Simon wants to go now so I had better get my ass off the bed and go downstairs, ooh, no I have a few more minutes, he's changing the cannister on my portable oxygen as it's nearly empty and we're off to Sheldon in Birmingham to get this Chameleon that we are getting so I will need a fair bit of oxygen to get there, must remember to take a new battery down and put a spare in the bottom of the holder because these new batteries I bought don't seem to be much good. I only put this one in a couple of weeks back and it's already flat and we've only been out once or twice so it must be mega crap, far worse than the Tesco Value ones.

Oooh time to go.

x

Sunday 8th February

Geesh we're into the second week of February already, in 6 days time we'll be halfway through February and looking forward to March! My god time flies and I'm not even having fun! heheh

This batch of locusts that Simon has this time round are exceptionally rowdy, they never keep still they're always making noises. There's one that keeps launching itself full throttle at the side of the faunarium and they have pretty powerful back legs so it actually comes out quite noisy.

It's nearly bedtime cue Simon's frog to wake up and start getting out of her tank *rolls eyes* I'm surprised I sleep at all, I suppose I should be grateful that it doesn't call out for a mate in the middle of the night, otherwise that would be a tad annoying heheh

I still wouldn't mind a couple of dart frogs actually but we just don't have any space left in our bedroom for them, heaven knows how we're going to cope when his snake gets bigger for instance, a 3ft snake surely cannot comfortably live it's live in a 1.5ft vivarium, which is what I think I recall him saying he is going to get for her. She won't be able to stretch her legs. lmao what am I saying? Snakes don't have bleeding legs! rofl I didn't LITERALLY mean that anyway, it's like saying there's not enough room to swing a cat, it's not as if one has actually tried to swing one's cat, it's just metaphorically speaking and all that. It just seemed rather funny to use that phrase on something that literally has a head and a body. Nothing else can be defined apart from to the expert in snakes.

I cleaned the ratties out today, which wouldn't be so backbreaking if they were all in the same part so I only had to sit down and clear out the bottom, oh how easy that would be, I'd be in my element only having to do that, but no, they fought so had to be separated so I have two lots to clean out and one of them is standing up. Standing up is fine for a minute, but anything after that it starts to really hurt my spine because the muscles that are designed to hold me upright are also weak so just the simple task of standing up is a very VERY painful process :(

I wish that I could have physio on every muscle in my body to build it up ready for being a normal person but I don't think that they would refer me for just generalised physio without having a diagnosis from a consultant :( Though, generalised muscle weakness is obvious it's whether they are willing to treat it or not.

Facebook is doing my head in at the moment, there are so many new applications that people are finding and sending me something from them and then I have to allow access and await for it to download/upload the information before I can actually do something and then I have to actually search the application to find what I have received and once I've done that and accepted it, when I want to send one back I have to search their name in the list of friends I have so I can specifically send it to them and you are limited usually to 20 odd people you can send something to, only superpoke has a lucky 30 option so it automatically chooses 30 of your friends, all the others you have to manually choose them, lil green patch has an option to filter only those who are using the application which is really good because it saves pissing people off by sending them multiple requests for an application when you just want to send to those who already use it.

I'm waffling again I can't even think if I have gotten my point across or not because I'm on a brainfog day today.

BLEUGH

Simon should be arrested for the smell he has just created in the bathroom, he was in there mastering it for ages and now he's left the door open for Bronny, Euan and I to breathe the fumes in.

Seriously there must be a mustard gas looking cloud over our house right now and anything low flying will drop down dead, pray this is not on the route for bats.

*upchucks* he fucking STINKS! rofl

Si getting ready...

....for a new chameleon.

We're having a 7 week old baby that Simon has seen advertised by googling to find them. They are in Birmingham and they are £45 each and there is two left. It's a shop that sells reptiles amongst other animals.

I'm quite looking forward to going and having a look actually, I might find I fall in love with something there though heheh I have to be weary of going into pet shops as I usually end up falling in love with something, though the sheer fact that we have no space whatsoever might make a change to our visit on Monday.

Simon has to ensure that the habitat is just perfect for Monday, he has taken the Monstera out (cheese plant) because he is not sure whether it was that that helped with the death of Baron, I don't think it was but still, it could have been one of a million things and we'll never know because we didn't arrange for an autopsy (couldn't afford it)

Euan has completed his homework I am now ensuring that Bronny gets her homework done so that I can have a nap knowing that all homework is complete and I don't have to worry about it tomorrow.

I HAVE to clean the rats out tomorrow because they stink a fair bit, nowhere near as much as the hamsters' pong that they are giving off though, I swear that the more I clean them the more they stink, I only clean them once a week tops though so it's not as if I am overcleaning them at all.

The rats' furnishings require washing too but now that they are in separate housing I have no wash and wear left so if I put their stuff in the wash then they will have no furniture until it is clean and dry *rolls eyes*. Which will probably cause arguments as they will not have separate places to go and play.

Bronny is now sulking because I have allowed Euan out of his bedroom, he was being naughty so Simon sent him into his room and now he's calmed down and said sorry I have let him out. He's being a pain in the arse talking and playing his DS loud again though.

Bronny is doing her homework, we worked together on her literacy because she was struggling to concentrate on the text about Dick Turpin and answer the questions by reading the text, I can remember struggling to do things like that when I was at SECONDARY school lol, the latter questions were quite difficult because you were not asked to find a certain piece of text, it was a case of deciphering the text to get the answer out of it. Which I always had problems doing when I was at school lol.

She now has to draw a picture of the house and where the water comes into the house and where it goes once it has come into the house, for instance drawing the kitchen and the bathroom, and showing the piping to it.

Euan is playing his DS, I'm slobbing on here and Simon is creating the Lizard habitat and making sure that everything is hunky dory in time for the lizard's arrival home on Monday. To be honest without the monstera in there I think it'll be too much space wasted that the lizard can't get to because there is nothing to hold on to. Simon knows what he is doing though so I will just leave it to him, I feel that this is Simon's pet that I am allowed to look at, but I hope that I can be hands on like I was with Baron, maybe being hands on with the Baron caused him to be ill, I don't know.

Peace and quiet? HAH Bronny is constantly whining about something and Euan is pestering us both.

Now Bronny is moaning that she misses the house in Stafford, the big house where she had a double bed in her bedroom and Euan had that huge sleeper bed and we had an ensuite in our bedroom, it was beautiful but it spoilt us because we amassed way too much junk, it would be nice to still be there though, it was a beautiful house with a beautiful garden and the school was really nice too. The only downside was that we never knew when she would be back kicking us out and we felt "watched" with her daughter living in the flat annexe.

I think that was my favourite property of all of them, socially it was crap because Tracey had managed to make the school Mums rather against me, the neighbours were lovely though and Simon would be able to take me to the school with him to take and collect the children because the route was relatively flat, very flat compared to others actually. It's just a shame, if I won the lottery I would buy that house off her and move us in ourselves I loved it so much. I don't think Simon would live there anyway, he already said if he won the lottery he'd buy a house somewhere else or have one built or something.

Euan has stopped playing on his DS and is now pestering Simon and myself! eeek, Simon has begged Euan to stop talking lol he is doing my head in at the moment. *rolls eyes* Bronny is stuck on her homework. which is convenient and it means it's going to take her forever to do.

I'm getting monged aswell which means that I should be having a nap to recover but until the kids bugger off I can't have a nap, I am struggling to focus on this now so I'm going to sign out and say goodbye.

Bye bye

Be Oh Ar Ee Dee

Spells BORED.

Am waiting for the forum backups to complete so that I can upgrade the forum software to the newest version, which is sometimes easier said than done, I have to back up the forum and everything in it so that if the upgrade doesn't work and breaks the forum I can put it back on as if nothing has happened, well, truth behind that is that I can get Simon to put it back on as if nothing has happened because I wouldn't be able to do it. I would actually if Simon showed me how to. I learn dead quick and he wouldn't have to tell me twice either.

Have been chatting to Scott on Facebook this morning, he's my cousin, my Mum's Sister's Son :) he's 30 years old today, I can remember when he was running around like a little devil in the back garden at Aunty Teresa's house donkeys ago, he's not that much younger than me but I can still remember it.

I keep looking in Baron's house expecting to see him :( we're not collapsing it as we are hoping to have another chameleon in the near future, a baby one that has been bred by the person that has them so we know the entire history of it, that way if it gets poorly like Baron did we will know probably that it's something we are doing. Hopefully it won't though because I don't think we did anything wrong with Baron at all. Poor little man I still miss him :(

Hamsters are active today, little mites look 100 times better now they have a sand/dust bath again, I honestly didn't think we had any left at all. I found it on top of the cupboards in the kitchen, I reckon it was left on the work surface and Si needed space to make his lunch so he put it up there out of the way. There was no way I put it up there, he is of course denying all knowledge of putting it on the cupboards but it is obvious that it was him. Unless it was the ghost, and I thought we only had a cat as a ghost so it'd be a very clever cat to pick up the sand and put it up there wouldn't it? Yes it would.

Must ask Simon to mist the plants for a bit today otherwise they are all going to die on us and I cannot afford another £30-£40 worth of plants so he'll have to look after these plants unless he's going to buy the next lot. I'm going to be skint all month this month as I'm going to be using the DLA to top up the rent account so that we are not late next month like we have been the past month and this month. I have just text the landlord to explain that we will be a week late again this month but I will make arrangements to ensure we're not late the month after.

Simon's snake hasn't been out yet, I hope it's OK I really do, I know it takes a week to settle in it's new surroundings but I am worried that it is not well or something as it just sits in the log that's in there and doesn't move around at all. Though saying that I've seen snakes very often in pet shops and they are hardly ever moving about so it's just me I guess. I wonder when he's going to feed it, the rat (sorry ratties!) that was put in with it when Simon collected it was going off so it had to be thrown away so we now don't know when the snakey will want feeding next.

Landlord has just text back saying that's fine, so that's OK. One thing off my chest anyway.

Must sort out that container for Simon and his super worms, although I don't think they are dying because of the size of the container, I think they are dying because they don't last long unless kept in the fridge.

I am so monged today, I'm going to have to go to bed very shortly, I can't believe how monged I am, I can hardly see or focus on anything my eyes keep going boss eyed, it keeps coming and going but at the minute there is more coming and staying than going :S

Right, I'm going to have to bugger off now I am feeling rather dizzy because my eyes won't sit still and I'm really hurting them trying to get them to focus :S

Love to readers

Bye ! :D

EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEE

It's been a long time since I blogged standard waffle that I've not copied from somewhere else.

Am talking to my dearest Sister and my Mum (yes my MUM!!) on Facebook chat at the moment, it's easier than trying to get Mum sorted with WLM which it appears she has still not managed to get. *rolls eyes* well, 9pm that's the heating just gone off.

Kids have played outside in the snow today bless them, they've had a fantastic time until Euan got a little too naughty and smashed the head of Bronny's snowman causing her to cry as if she was really hurt (I thought she was!) and then they were shouting and screaming at each other so I had to bring them in.

We went to the Hollybush prior to this to get them both a pair of welligogs, £9.99 a pair with an extra £4.99 for Bronny's welly socks because hers are slightly too big *rolls eyes again* That is much more expensive than if we had gone to Asda or something and got their cheap wellies in red or blue. Tesco didn't have any and it looked like they were not planning on stocking any as there was no space for them. Hollybush had almost sold out they only had a few sizes left. Euan managed to find his size but Bronny had to have a size bigger, hence the welly socks.

Simon was in a right arse today, he didn't want me to get the wellies, he didn't want me to get the welly socks, he didn't want the children to play out in the snow "because of wrecking the lawn" *sigh* and he's been horrible to the children AND me all day. Just because he's poorly it doesn't give him the excuse to be a miserable barsteward. *sigh* MEN! *sigh again*

I'm sitting here in a t-shirt and my "yoga top" (long sleeve top with zip up, slightly thicker than t-shirt material- Sainsburys called it a yoga top) and with my bottom half snuggled in bed (with socks on) and I am still bloody freezing. Bottom half of my body is fine as the heat from the laptop is keeping me warm, but the top half is bloody freezing, I keep shivering and when I shiver I get even colder, the tops of my hands are cold, palms are being warmed by lappy. I have a puddy tat asleep at my feet, he's totally gone bless him, usually he sleeps alert but now and again he sleep sleeps and you could say anything and he'd not twitch.

I feel the need to go to bed now, but I am trying to stay up until a reasonable time because I spend most of my days in bed and I hate it, I don't WANT to sleep, Simon has said I'm in a viscious cycle with my sleep but I'm not.. if I don't sleep I'm not well, I have tried to sleep less but when I sleep less I only end up needing another sleep later on. It's like today, admittedly it was nigh on midnight when I switched the laptop off last night through talking to Kezz, When I found out that the children were not at school I stayed in bed til 11am, but even that was not enough I had to have a nap this afternoon, that might have been because we went out though if we had not gone out perhaps I'd have not needed the nap. I know i spend less time awake than I do asleep but it's honestly not my fault, I try to stay awake but I just get ill.

I am worried about a friend at the moment, she self harms and is in a complete mess at the moment, I think she is highly concerned that they are going to "lock her away" I hope on all hopes that they don't, she just needs more help, that's what she needs, one on one help, not stupid group therapy, that doesn't work, she needs one one one help with a psychologist or a psychiatrist (I never do know the difference) I think it's a psychologist because psychiatrists work with "nutters" don't they? Yes, they do, so it must be a psychologist.

I still waiting to be referred to see Pain Management, probably only to have them turn around and tell me that there is fuck all wrong with me and that I should just put up with the pain. I so wanted to be given a diagnosis of Fibro but he didn't because he said he didn't agree with some of the symptoms, I am going to write to him and state that 99% of my symptoms are fibro but there are some extra ones that might be side effects of the meds and can he PLEASE give a confirmed diagnosis because I am fed up of being stuck in limbo not knowing what is going on.

Simon's snake has not been very active of late I think that it might actually be because of the hemp that he has put in because it is treated with citronella and Simon has read somewhere that citronella can be a snake repellent as well as insects. I think that he should try and remove the hemp and find another source of bedding for the snake, until he can find Aspen then he needs to just leave it empty. I could buy auboise for him but I don't know where we would put a big bale of auboise, it's difficult enough to keep the hemp in one place.

Simon needs a container for his super worms as they are dying but I do not have a container big enough for them that I can spare. Oooh, hold on, I might have one actually, if the rat food box is big enough I can put the rat food in something smaller which would make it easier for me probably as the rat food box is heavy when full.

At the moment I am using a 5-4-1-1 ratio for my ratties but I do not know if I am doing right. I think I am but I don't know how to change it as the ratties get older either, I have tried to read Alison's book but I keep getting lost because I cannot take in and understand what I am reading anymore, anything more than one paragraph and I am totally buggered, I would have to read it over and over and over again (reminds me of that song lol)

My face must be extra greasy at the moment as it is only days that the tape is lasting instead of a week, that sounds like I don't wash my face but I wash around the tape heheh.

Well I've been granted podiatry care which has really pleased me, it means hopefully that I will no longer have any ingrowing toe nails and they might just get to the stage where they look nice enough to put a layer of nail polish on them woot :)

Bronny regularly paints her toe nails and finger nails now, bless her, if she had some proper makeup I think she'd always be wearing that too, I just need to teach her how to put it on because when she has done it with her kiddy makeup she's made herself look like a clown. She has been copying pictures from a makeup book that belonged to Clare though (my sister) so the styles are based on 80's fashions! Nothing you'd dare to wear now unless you were going to a halloween party or something.

I think I might get her some simple makeup for her birthday, like eye shadows and a blusher and some lippy, that we she can make herself up (when I've taught her how) and look pretty instead of pretty awful lol I can't believe she is growing up so quick, I wasn't interested in makeup until I got to secondary school! I just hope that she is sensible when she is old enough to have boyfriends properly and doesn't go and get herself in trouble if you know what I mean.

Got my smear result back today, the doctors phoned me and asked me if I had any symptoms of thrush and I said no, apparently the smear showed that I had thrush. Sometimes it can come and go symptomless so hopefully it's that and I'm not going to get the symptoms any time soon.

I remember having thrush on the way to France one year and "he" wouldn't stop to get me the cream so I had to deal with sitting on it for hours upon hours at least 10 without having treatment for it! It eventually went on it's own thank god but it was a horrible experience to drive to the South of France with an itchy Fairy! rofl rofl

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

*shuts up with the disgusting stuff*

I can't believe I shared that, some things are best left unsaid me thinks, no? Might delete it yet I haven't decided. It's only natural though it's just something we all go through. Us women that is, I used to get it when I was on antibiotics for something else.

Sorry, you know I'm always open and honest on here :P

I still have to choose and book an appointment for Euan to see CAMS and I need to get him in to see Dr Gupta about his arm he was supposed to go last week but I forgot. He finished his antibiotics though but he won't let me keep putting the antibiotic cream on it :( I guess it doesn't need it anymore as it looks like it's mostly gone but I am worried that it will come back again, the skin is looking very abrased and almost burned around it at the moment, it's not just dry it's nasty.

I can't remember whether I have asked for my Pain Management referral or not, I can't even remmeber if I have already mentioned it on here lol

Simon's super worms are making loads of noise and keep making me think that the snake is escaping, I'm scared of that snake lol she's OK in her container and I'd probably be OK holding her, it's just the thought of her being out and not knowing where she is or waking up and finding her on my face or something scary like that :S

I have turned the brightness down on my screen because Simon is trying to sleep and it is making me struggle to read what I am typing so if I make mistakes, blame Simon lol only joking, it is pretty dull and pasty though.

That just reminded me of the Cornish Pasties we used to buy from the bakers on the way home from town at Aunty Carol's in Cornwall, Nan and I would walk up from town and go to the bakery and bring some yummy pasties home for us to eat for lunch, or we'd sit in the park and eat them before we got back to Aunty Carol's. I used to love going there with her, it was my favourite ever holiday, I'd do anything to have Nan back for another holiday with Aunty Carol, I'd do anything to have Nan back full stop.

It's amazing how many things end up making me remember and miss her, I don't have to realise how much I miss her because I know every day that I miss her. She was a Mum to me, nothing against my own Mum but I just couldn't talk to her I adopted Nan as my Mum instead. She was priceless was my Nan, proper priceless.

I love Gramps to bits too, don't get me wrong, but lately there just seems to be something that has upset him about me because he doesn't phone me to see how I am anymore, he used to phone me regularly and we'd have a fantastic chat, but now he's not interested, it's not fair I used to love our chats, he knows he can talk about anything with me and I'll not mind heheh. I'm going to phone him tomorrow actually and ask him to be honest with me and tell me what's up because I don't like the tension that I feel is there, I feel there is something wrong and he knows that I am good like that and can feel and sense things that others cannot. It makes me paranoid because sometimes I confuse the feelings I receive and end up feeling rather negative towards someone or something because I feel the negativity towards me, but it's not always aimed at me but I just read it.

Anyway.

Oooh it's Scott's birthday tomorrow heheh (my cousin) he's 30! I can remember him as a little un, I know he's not that much younger than me, but I still remember us all playing in their back garfen, making mud pies and so on, and going to the fair when the carnival was on. heheh

I miss family, I never get to see any of them any more, Simon finds it difficult to interact with people so he wouldn't want to meet the nutter side (Mum's family lol) and Dad's side is all the way down in Cornwall. I'd love to go visit Aunty Carol again but I fear that we'd not have anywhere to stay because she is too poorly for houseguests I think. We'd not be able to afford a hotel so I guess that's a no too.

I'd love to go across and see Clare in her big house but I know that's not possible because Simon wouldn't go and I don't think you're allowed on an aeroplane with oxygen to be honest. Would have to query that, not that I could afford to fly, and if we went without transport we'd be stuck at the house because there is too many of us to fit in Clare's car :( booger.

To be honest I think that we'd have to get a lot closer again before any visiting could take place, even at Mum's at christmas the air was tense as if we were stuck for things to say and not one word was uttered to Simon by ANYONE so he's already said that he's not going again, ever :(

I guess I could invite them here but I'd not be able to cook a Christmas/Boxing Day dinner so that is out of the question. I think I'm going to end up losing my family to be honest, Simon is not anti them in particular but he's anti-people in real life so everyone I try to meet and converse with we end up with Simon feeling very uncomfortable and wanting to go home :( I just wish that he was more outgoing, it's OK being shy but not uttering a single word ALL day to anyone is a bit to the extreme. I love him immensely but I just wish he would make the effort to talk to people now and again, damnit he doesn't even talk to me so how can I expect him to talk to my family.

Oooh I just found a small piece of apple in my mouth, I scoffed that at least an hour ago rofl

I think it's time to sign out now, I've waffled for far too long.

Ni ni blog readers. Lubs you lots. :)

xx