2 sleeps

and then I am officially an old fart lol

11 I can't remember, 22 I was still having fun without children, 33 I'm now going to be old and past it and I bet I grow at least 10 more grey hairs to match my age. It's at this time of life where I feel old and it's not fair because my personality and characteristics are still that of a childish kid who pulls pranks on people, farts in yer face, asks you to pull my finger and then I fart when you do, or sees if they can say bollox whilst burping that's me, I'm not 33 years OLD.

They say you're as old as you feel, but that's debatable because although I'm a child at heart, my body is a knackered old woman who is about 80 odd, I look less agile than my Gramps, he's 84, I wish I was as frail as he was, I'd be thin then and not oh so fat.

I loves my Gramps I does, more than you could ever imagine, he is my world is my Gramps, we don't see each other that often and he never phones me any more, but I loves him incredibly muchly. I just wish I lived closer so I could visit him on a weekly basis. Every day that I DON'T see him I live another day of dread that it's going to be so long since I saw him, when he decides to quit his life on this planet. You know? I know I shouldn't feel like that but I am so scared of that day when he goes, I know it will be the end for me too, I don't think I'll cope, I have my children to think of but still, my Gramps... you wouldn't understand what is going around in my head right now, If I could I'd make him immortal, and I'd bring back my Nan too, just until I go that is, how incredibly selfish of me is that, but I just want them in my life for my whole life, I know I will most probably outlive my parents too, but I hope that I don't, I don't want to witness anymore death in my family, I just can't do it.

I spent all last night sobbing in tears because someone I knew from 5 years ago had died, although I knew him like a grandfather to me for about 6 years prior to that, the Anchor turned him against me though, told him and the next door neighbours that I was not looking after my children, that I had cheated on him and all sorts of stories came out of his lying decieving mouth. If he'd have not done that I wouldn't have raced to get my arse out of the house and move. I'd have waited til the last possible minute, which would have been 2005 when he disappeared off the face of the earth. BUT then I'd have had to witness knowing he'd died there and then, I'd have gone to visit him in hospital and known he was "dead" then and it would have broken my heart, so maybe things did turn out fot the better. For me that is.

I can't believe that hearing about his death has affected me so much, I am not sure how much is the actual incident, the fact that I started thinking about my Nan again last night or the fact that I just cannot deal with the idea of death right now, it scares me uncontrollably, I don't even know if I'm scared of dying myself, I think I'm more scared of losing everyone around me. I think that's more likely hit the nail on the head, I can't bear to lose anymore of my loved ones, I just can't bear it. I actually feel sick right now, the same way I felt with worrying about it all last night, or it might be hunger, I don't know.

Who chooses, what I want to know is, is it written in our DNA from the day we are created, how long we are meant to live, as in when we are MEANT to die, then of course there is a freak accident, but are they written into our lives to?

For instance, take my old mate Bill, he had his heart done in the summer it was the healthiest thing ever, no more angina anymore, no more risks, one fully working bostin Ticker... and then he goes and get's brain deaded in a car accident later that year, I mean, what was that about, surely fate would have been kinder to top him off in his heart op, than to kill him months later in a car accident, it's like "oops you didn't die then, lets try again".

I'm gutted, I still feel my tears welling up every time I think about it, it's just NOT FUCKIN FAIR!

It's the same as with my Nan, why was she taken then, on that day, walking innocently into town, and by such a sure way that she couldn't be saved by medical intervention too :(

then there's poor Jacqui, Richard's wife (nextdoor but one neighbours at old house) she suffered a heart attack too, I mean WHY? WHY, and WHO the fuck decides? She smoked yes (unless she quit, I don't know) and had the occasional tipple and worked hard and had a wonderful family, so WHY?

I had better change the subject before I spend the night falling asleep crying again.

Birth, now that's a miracle ain't it? How something so wonderful and beautiful and awe inspiring can come from a tadpole and an egg, and how everything is mapped out on that little strand of DNA and a beautifully wonderful little princess or prince can come out of that yuck lol rofl

My children are both beautiful and I love them to bits, even when Euan is having his tantrums I can see the real Euan in him, the Euan that is good and sweet and kind and would share his heart with you if you asked him to, literally, seriously he is so generous and kind. Then you have Bronny who is well behaved most of the time but then you have her having a flid, mouthing back at me, crying, my god does she have emotions, but she has a heart of gold, rather selfish but she is wonderful.

I still can't believe that I was mostly responsible for creating them, I mean it was my womb that looked after them and fed them and nourished them for 9 months of their lives, I don't think a man will EVER understand the bond between a Mother and her child because they have been inside her for 9 months nurturing and growing, but then again some women do not bond with their children, it breaks my heart to imagine not being able to love my child from day one, I didn't think it's possible really, but it is.

And then there is friends. Friends, real Friends are there for you no matter what, they love you more every day and they never judge you for anything. They are rocks, they are something to cling to when you need a hug, they are there whenever you need them and they always know what to say when you need something saying, that's the beauty of a real good friend, they know you so well they know what you are thinking most of the time. I haven't got a friend like that, the only person that is like that with me is Simon. I wish I had a REALLYREALLY close friend, someone that I can talk to about anything and everything whenever I want. I've never really had a friend that good. Awwww listen to me, woe is me eh?

If I'd have treated my friends better at school instead of going off in the bad crowd, then maybe one of them would still be a close friend now. Emma is my best mate but she doesn't really know me. It's not her fault though, she's very busy is our Emma.

*stops the self pity*

I'm sorry you lot, you must be wanting to slap me round the face now and tell me to shut up and behave and be thankful that I am alive and (reasonably) well.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hmm, well yes, it's my birthday on Saturday :) I have Christina and co. coming on Saturday (Simon's family) and then my parents coming on Sunday, I've asked Mum to get a gateaux or a pavlova or something for us to share for me birthday. :) mmmmmmm I can't wait :)

I said I wouldn't mind an itunes gift card if they haven't already got me something, which is quite cheeky really considering they start at £15 so that's like... Mum, Dad I want you to spend at least £15 on me oK? heheh they used to spend £20 as a budget on us all but I don't know if that is still the case, will have to see, at least I'll know on Sunday :)

Right... Simon wants to go to bed now so I shall shut up for the evening.

Happy reading fellow blogreaders and I hope that I have not depressed you too much.

xx

So that's why

I have been feeling like utter crap the last few days, I've been in so much pain I've not wanted to go through a normal day so I have been in bed pretty much from when the children have gone to school until when they get home, this has been the same since they went back to school.

I know now, why.

I've reduced two of my tablets, one of them down to 600mg a day instead of 700mg (Lyrica-Pregabalin) and the other from about 400mg a day to 200mg a day (Tramadol) and thinking about it, I reduced my baclofen down by 10mg too, all at once, which is probably why I have been feeling utterly crap, not withdrawal symptoms, it is not that remotely, it's pain and struggling to get by.

I don't know whether to wait it out and see what happens whether life improves or whether in fact I do need those extra meds to function, or just to sod it and take the original dose again. Though, if I don't perservere I will never know if the doctor is right in the long run about reducing my meds to cause a little bit more pain and suffering but to have me off the high doses of meds. To be honest, I still think that to survive a normal day those meds are needed. BUT I will see what happens over the next few days, If I spend the whole week in bed, I'm going to try increasing again and see if that improves matters, if it does I can go to the doc and say "look I tried and I couldn't so there. Alternatively if I am OK on the reduced meds after a couple of days I will stick with the reduced meds but I am not going to aim at going any lower.

Other than that I am having another major flare which is making me extra tired and extra in pain.

Will soon find out.

At least the flares subside and I end up back at the status I was before the flare most of the time.

heheh

Will keep you all informed with my progress.

Simon's New Toy

Simon now has an Iphone touch as his contract mobile with O2 :) he's been playing with it for a lot of today and still keeps finding new things that it will do for him, he can get google earth, gmail and various other internet applications on there to use, which means his pc should be rendered obsolete but not with Simon, he'd never totally give up his PC even if he had a laptop to use he'd still use his PC for things.

I'm really waffling now. Yes, I have green eyes, yes I am envious of him for what he has BUT he has had to increase his contract to about £35 a month and I am only on £25 a month so I shall save £120 that he will waste away just to have a nifty looking and nifty gadgetry phone. *rolls eyes*

I'm wondering whether the Ipod touch does everything that the Iphone does but without the phone bit included? I don't know whether it does or not *thinks* I mean would you be able to play games and go on the internet with it, or is that all reserved for the Iphone and all his classy bits are for the phone only.

I can't afford to warrant an increase of £20 a month on my contract to be able to have an Iphone to be honest and that's with paying some up front on it I think Simon said. He's now listening to some right crap lol bless him.

I still have my Ipod though heheh at least I gots my music of a night time :) and whenever I want to put it on.

Oooh Kezz and Vikki have made up AT LONG LAST :D :D no more sitting in between the two of them feeling all stuck and uncomfortable heheh

Off to talk to them and rip some more CDs now heheh

bye bye!

Hallelujah

I've just purchased this song on itunes, I love it, I have loved it since I heard it in Shrek, I know it was definitely third one not sure if it is in a previous version.

I don't like it as much as I like Bon Jovi singing it on Youtube *blush*

Oooh I like Boadicea by Enya, it is very nice, almost as if they are humming to it, really nice and relaxing sound to listen to ;)

Simon bought me an itunes gift card for my birthday which admittedly is next week but he asked me if I wanted it now and I said I might as well have it now, considering he only has a bit of money to spend on me, I'd rather have waited and had something that he actually THOUGHT about getting me to be honest :S Instead of something that I told him to get me because he had no idea at all what to get me. I've run out of credit already lol, I got 18 songs for £15 I now have 78p left and a single is 79p lmfao. how bad is that? rofl

eeek I'm addicted to itunes and ipods, I've even found myself tempted to buy the ipod touch heheh *rolls eyes* not that I have the money at the moment but boy is it tempting heheh.

I've just taken my glasses off and just realised I was trying to look through some incredibly minging looking glasses, I cannot believe I managed to even see through them, it looks like I have snot on one of the lenses heheh. That COULD have been the choice of kitchen roll to just wipe them over though *blush* Yes it was *bigger blush* they're nice and clean now heheh.

Oooh this one is nice "The Celts" by Enya. I love the arrangement, the "instruments" and the beat :) it's briliant :) heheh

I am sitting here slowly softly drifting off to sleep like an innocent child, no qualms with the world and no problems, just a happy protected and innocent child. Too late for me to play that role on all counts rofl

I don't think it is possible to get children as fat as I anyway heheh, perhaps it is on the teenage level if they none stop eat and do bugger all to allow the weirght to drop off.

Oh how I wish I could exercise and lose all this incredible fat quicker I think the only way I lost so much weight so quickly back when I was rearing Euan was because I was breastfeeding him, boy was he demanding but boy did that weight drop off me, you see it turns the fatty reserves into milk too, so for a while Euan was feeding literally off me which was a bloody good thing, I was back down to an 8-10 depending on what I wore, the thinnest I had ever been. Dad said I didn't look healthy, when he asked if a;; was well back then I should have said well, honestly? No it's not all OK, but I stuck withit, knowing that I'd get rid of that leech eventually, and I di, now I'm here with way too much weight on me, but I look better in myself than I did back then, If I lost all my weight this time I would look good on it, I wouldn't look "ill" as my Dad used to say I looked. He said I looked ill and gaunt.

I'd look thin and OK with it, just like my big but extremely little sis heheh She's always looked good though, even with a bit of weight on she's looked good, and now Amy has a fab figuer that she is going to be proud of when she is older.

I can't wait til my Bronny is 14, she'll be my bestest mate forever heheh. bless her socks, hopefully she won't be too embarrassed of me when she's older, I know she's OK with me now but that;s because she hasn't all that many friends righ now bless her. But you can bet a pound to a penny that when she has more friends Mum is going to have to be put in her place, at home out of the way and not embarrassing the little'uns that won't be that little anymore. heheh

I have probably embarrassed Bronny by saying what I have said in the blog in the first place if she ever reads it that is.

sigh and more sighs

Euan is moaning at me for not playing any games with him, I'm not in the mood for playing games right now, ..

I have commissioned them both into making me a Birthday card lol it's a case of finding anything possible to keep them busy, Euan still just wants my attention but I'm not in the mood for giving him all my attention and then having Bronny complaining that I'm not giving her any attention.

I sound horrible don't I? I wasn't put on this earth to give them 24/7 attention though there are times when I want to be Carol, not Mummy or wifey, just Carol sitting here minding my own business and chilling out on my own, simple as (doesn't mean I want to be single, I just mean I need some me time occasionally, and it's no good arguing that I have me time when I sleep for all those hours that I sleep because that doesn't count I can't chill out when I'm asleep, sleep is a waste of time I know but sometimes I need to just sleep off the effects of the meds) like now I'm getting pretty drowsy but I don't want to sleep, no way do I want to sleep. I'll probably end up sleeping because Simon will tell me to, but I still don't want to.

The tumble dryer is making the whole house hot but I have no choice I have to dry their uniform for school *rolls eyes* I had 2 weeks to wash and dry their uniform and I've raced to do it on the last days. That's just typical of me though, bloody typical. heheh

I think that I have waffled enough, I don't even know why I have written this blog. Oh *remembers* but I edited out the pieces that were the original reason for writing the blog right now rofl. (let's just say that Simon upset me again)

Friday 2nd January Ramble :D

lmao, I just pressed enter and published the blog as just a title I had better go put some text on it brb ;)

Bugger that was daft of me wasn't it? lol I can't seem to get the font right now I have edited the blog, I'll edit it all at the end I guess. Oooh I have five MSN windows open so it's grouped them all, now I don't know who is speaking to me *rolls eyes* Simon says that the new Windows Live Messenger is out for upgrade but to be honest I'd rather stick to this version unless they repaired the new version and the A patch won't work for the new version yet so I'll probably leave it until the a-patch is created for that particular version.

Just added another invite to the blog, hopefully Lottie will enjoy the blog and not die of boredom, though, my get out clause is that she asked and I did not make her rofl.

Simon is watching something really funny downstairs, I was watching it too, but I cannot be arsed to carry lappy and me downstairs to try and set it all up to watch the last few minutes of something if you get me. He has stopped laughing now anyway so I think it finished at half past. Though I thought he was watching Live at the apollo which is usually quite good.

________________________________________________

WARNING GOO REPORT - ICKY DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH

The spot thing on Euan's arm burst today (with my assistance) it was there for months, I popped it once and just a little bit of yellow goo came out with what looked like water then it seemed to be healing, then all of a sudden over the last two days it got absolutely huge and red with yellow swirls in it, I caught him in the kitchen and scratched at it, which didn't do anything but then I got Simon to hold him tight whilst I squeezed and Oh my God lots of snake like thick white/yellow gunk came out, it was really thick and nothing like a spot, it was like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube, it was more like paste than zit material (puss?) anyway, I squoze it until it began to bleed, being deafened by Euan's screams, and then put some savlon and a plaster on it to hopefully clear the last bit out. I was expecting some wriggly worm to come out of it to be honest the way it looked! It was truly yucky! I might have to get Simon to hold him down again whilst I have a look at it tomorrow, seems rather strict and obsurd but he won't even let me touch it like hold it either side of it, I have to look whilst he brings it closer to my eyes whilst my hands are behind my back because he's so fearful of me going POP like I did today rofl *such a bad evil Mummy* If it fills up with more gunk or just doesn't go away now I am going to get him in to see the nurse and hopefully she'll be able to get rid of it.
End of goo

_____________________________________________

Sorry about the above, I was thinking of what to report on and that came into my mind.

Simon is having a new phone tomorrow and I am having his, I am really excited about it, especially as I am fed up of the painful buttons of the K850i that is a really REALLY bad design fault I think, they can become very painful, I can't believe all the buttons are so sticky uppy and square shaped, they really are painful I guess it would be OK if you were not an avid texter like myself *blush*

I have a blood test on Monday, I was called into the docs the other day basically to say that the hospital had done a blood text and it came back as deficient in Vit D and he wanted to know HOW MUCH I am deficient in vitamin D, not that it has anything to do with my current problem but this was brought up before and he said that it was a negligible amount that I was deficient in it and that he was not going to prescribe me meds for it.

I think I am pretty deficient in a lot of my vits and minerals to be honest as I have developed rather pronounced and obvious ridges on my fingers after googling this tells me I am most probably deficient in B and B12, well I already know that I have B12 deficiency whether the doc agrees with it or not, but trying to convince him to give me any meds even bloody vitamins is like ttrying to get blood from a damn stone, it's futile!

Geesh I am popular tonight :( I have four convos open and only one of the people is talking to me rofl, they are waiting for me to finish my blog methinks.

Well, I'll give up now, I can't think that there is anything else worth saying tonight.

Good Night.


xx

Happy New Year 10.01.09

I nearly put 08 then, it's going to take me at least half of the year to get used to typing 09 instead of 08 lol it normally takes me a while anyway.

It's only a quicky as I'm about to start dinner but I just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year 2009 and I hope on all hopes that 2009 proves to be a better year for all of you and that you can really enjoy the year and there is no bad news for you it's all good news. Maybe one of us could win the lottery? You never know heheh.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Today's Ramble 31.12.08

Hello and welcome back to the nutter's blog.

It's already 2009, it was about 15 minutes ago but I'm always late in writing my day blogs but you just never know it because I'm great at changing the time that I write them :P lol for instance I'll have to change this from today to tomorrow otherwise it'll get lost in the January 2009 archive and be very confusing indeed.

My two very good friends have fallen out again which is gutting because they will bring the new year in without each other :( so unfair it is. I know that they both have their own set of friends to fall back on but I still wish that they hadn't fallen out because it is such a shame they were such good best friends and although they bickered about things often, I envied their friendship and understanding and also revered it.

Today has been pretty much like any other, only I went to the docs today after they called me and requested that I see the doctor regarding a letter from rheumatology dept. I was a bit worried I have to admit because if it's something serious the Doc would call me in for an appt. Turns out it was simply to tell me that he wanted me to have another blood text done to see exactly what is going on with my Vitamin D level as the rheumy said that it was a bit low and suggested I have Vitamin D supplements, he wants to know eactly how low it is to see if it is worth having supplements or not. He (Doc) is blaming the vitamin D low levels on my tablets but I am betting that it is just my change in diet that has caused the problem, I shouldn't really admit that though because I'll get a lecture about not eating then which is the last thing I need.

I have been a pig today, I had 2 crumpets and a packet of crisps at brunch, then for tea this evening at about midnight I had a spam bap and a packet of french fries. Not only have I eaten two meals I have eaten at a time when it is not going to be digested properly before I go to bed so I'll get even fatter. I mean the carlories burned off not digested properly.

Up until today where I have failed miserably because I'm a fat tosser, I have eaten one meal a day, had it in the middle of the day so that it's spread out all over the day so I definitely have chance to burn off the calories that I have taken, there's also the calories in my tablets, IF there is any that I have to worry about. Not knowing how many calories in my tablets is a pain because I have no idea if I have burned them off in a day or not. *rolls eyes*

I will be glad when all the yummy packets of crisps will be gone because they are yummy and too much of a tempation to my weak mind.

There are lots and lots and lots of fireworks going off at the moment, absolute ton of them heheh. I hope the rabbits are OKies, but I am sure that they will be

Well I'm falling asleep again so nite nite :)

Today's Ramble 30.12.08

Nowt new to report for today. Euan's DS broke though, which was really upsetting I nearly cried when it happened because I was so worried about what he would do as he practically lived on it. Simon thankfully managed to fix it for him, I am so relieved, Emma is relieved too as she thought she might have the trouble of having to return it for a replacement or to get it fixed. I was really worried that Simon would bugger it up even more to be honest, 2 springs came flying out when he was fiddling with it but thankfully they don't SEEM to have been anything majorly important as it still works. I should have more faith in Simon and his fiddling fingers as when he has attempted to fix things before he has usually succeeded in his quest.

He is now (00:22) playing on Euan's DS heheh bless him what is he like *rolls eyes* rofl I thought he'd get to play on it eventually bless him, he's going to wear the battery out though which means that Euan will have to charge it in the morning :( Euan is going to be chuffed when he realises that Simon has fixed it, unless he is bored of it already, that could be why he seemed nonchalent when he realised it wasn't working anymore.

Simon is now adamant as well as myself that there is something not right with Euan's mental state. Dad says there's nothing wrong with him at all, but he hasn't witnessed Euan when he's being a complete muppet or when he's having one of his raging tempers though.

My feet stink :( I can smell them from here, either it's that or it's my slippers that stink :S Something smells, it could be the hamsters but then again they are no longer in here so it's not them it has to be my feet :O *blushes* sometimes they do get mega minging though it's really embarrassing and there's bugger all I can do about it. *blushes and hides*

My headphones order got cancelled because they were not in stock :( It's just not fair! I really REALLY wanted a pair of decent headphones, but now I have to wait for the money to be refunded to my card before I purchase any more :( *pout* Simon says we should look on overclockers but considering his were £30 I don't think I shall bother looking.

I'm pissed because the little headphones I have really hurt my ears, the sound from them is quite good, apart from there's no bass obviously but they really hurt when I wear them, I've put them in right as well because I have repositioned them so many times to find the right place and no matter which way I stick them in they really hurt, the best ones are like Joe has for his PSP, over the ear headphones that don't actually go in the ear, they have hooks to sit on the ears but they're not the inner ones they're like discs that are covered and sit on the ears nicely.

I've just reserved a set of headphones at Argos which are actually cheaper than the original ones that I was looking at which is good good good! :D Something has to go wrong as everything seems to be going right at the moment, I have probably just jinxed myself there *rolls eyes*

Today has been a usually boring day, only had to put up with one of Euan's tantrums because I wouldn't let him go outside to play whilst Simon was washing the car (yes, Simon washed the car in this freezing weather and yes it froze over AS he was washing it *rolls eyes*) obviously I was the big bad ogre he hated me, Simon, Bronwyn, Oscar and all the other animals and he was going to pack his bags and leave this place *rolls eyes again* I just let him reel off all his crap these days without letting it get me upset because he says the same thing every time and although he is trying to hurt me, it doesn't anymore because I don't let it. When he first started with the crap I was very upset by it and he knew that he upset me, but now I just let it roll over me and I ignore it.

Bronwyn was as emotional as ever today but at least her tummy was better! It took some strict starving from me which upset her greatly but it did the trick, I only let her eat dried toast for 12 hours and no milk, no sweeties no crisps, just dried toast and it's worked, she did a solid one this afternoon rofl sorry for the graphical explanation there readers but you'll understand me now rofl I found out that the reason why Bronny has been all tearful is because she's been staying up later than I've let them stay up and been playing on her DS under her quilt! She doesn't know what time she plays til as she's never checked, I made her promise not to do it tonight because she needed a decent night sleep. I told her I would check on her but I forgot to check on her therefore for all I know she could have played on it til late again *rolls eyes* she won't learn until she feels really ill and is falling asleep in the day when she's supposed to be doing stuff.

Simon is complaining at the noise I'm making and the bright light of the screen so I had better log out real soon. I just need to add a few extra bits to my bloggy.

We're struggling this month to get the rent together, we overspent at Christmas and now we're struggling to get back on track, hopefully we'll manage it just fine though and we'll be able to pay all the rent, it certainly won't be on time perhaps a week late but at least we'll be able to pay it, HOPEFULLY. I think we'll only be a week late and sometimes it's been the next week before he collects the rent from when we have said that it is ready so hopefully he won't mind the delay in payment. I need to pluck up the courage to talk to him about paying off the money that we owe him too, considering there is no big payout to give to him like I thought there would be (from the case against work) it was a piddly amount that just covered a couple of bills. *rolls eyes*

Was just thinking, I promised Euan he could go on the PC because his DS wasn't working, I bet in the morning regardless of his DS being fixed he's going to insist he wants to play on the PC. He really does seem bored with his DS, hopefully not having it for the rest of today and not all morning until we get up might make him want it again and not be so bored with it and looking for something else to do all day.

Well, I'm falling asleep again, my look at the time, no wonder I'm falling asleep! I guess I'll see you all "on the morrow"! :D

Bye bye for now.

xx

Happy Anniversary Simon :D

It's our five year anniversary tonight (we met at about 11pm on 30th December 2003 heheh) so we'll be celebrating by.. sleeping most probably lol bless.

I can't believe that it is five years already, heheh

So Happy Anniversary Simon my most precious one.

Not sure seriously if we will do anything, I haven't bought him an anniversary present anyway. heheh

Today's Ramble 29.12.08

Went out to Toys R Us to get Bronny's BopIt Download exchanged for one that actually worked today only to find that there were no more in stock, so we had to accept a refund on it. We then went round so that the children could choose presents to have with their money from Aunty Clare and Gramps. Euan was a little buggerbag he took forever to choose something, Bronny was easy she found a Polly Pocket thing she liked and a huge cuddly polar bear, so she was happy with what she got.

We then went to see Gramps as we had not managed to get to see him on Boxing Day, I can't believe how frail he looks now, he's a shadow of his former self. Still seems to have most of his marbles now, is almost deaf as a post but he's still the Gramps that I know and love so much :) Mum said it wouldn't be long before he needed to be in a home. Gramps says he's never going in one heheh. I do hope that Mum doesn't shove him in a home, it won't do him any good at all, he is very independant is my Gramps, and rather stubborn too lol I think if they put him in a home he would give up on life completely and be nothing. :( I can't understand why Mum wants him in a home, why would she want his house!? she's NOT going to shove him in a home, I won't let her, I just wish that I was fit and well so that I could insist on looking after him myself. Bless his cotton socks he won't be going in a home. He'd have had to have lost his marbles for them to force him into a home anyway heheh. He's a fighter is my Gramps and he's being very well looked after so he shouldn't need to go into a home just yet. I must ensure that I visit him more often though, he needs his family around him now, we will have to arrange to go see him once a week when the children are at school so that we don't have to worry about them asking for lots of things. Not that Bronny does, it was Euan that wanted this that and the other off Gramps, poor old sod, he hasn't got this that and the other to give out, not to the quantity that Euan wanted anyway.

Oooh I've just gone monged, my eyes are now unable to focus together and I am reading a very blurred and distorted lots of text whilst I am typing, so if there is any typos from herein that is my excuse. and I'm sticking to it rofl

I have no idea what Simon is watching downstairs but it is making him laugh his socks off, perhaps I should put the tv on upstairs to see what it is that is making him laugh constantly. I can't think what it would be to be honest :S Oh well.

Oscar cat is fast asleep next to me at the moment :) He's been a bit poorly this morning and done a furball on Simon's side of the sofa lol Simon cleaned it up before anyone came downstairs, poor oscar, they always look like poohs but we've learned that it comes from the other end as we've seen him doing one. It must be horrible to have to throw that up, I know I'd probably pass out from a panic attack if I had to throw something as big and almost solid as one of those up. lmao

Sorry for that gruesome bit there.

Am listening to The Corrs at the moment, I haven't listened to them for absolutely ages. To be honest I've not listened to any music in ages, I have music on my harddrive I didn't even know I had lol

Now evanescence (sp) heheh I love my immortal it's a beautiful song it really is, her voice is absolutely fantastic it really is.

Poor Simon has already been sick tonight and now he doesn't know if he wants to be sick again so he is sitting at the end of the bed waiting to see if he does need to puke, bless him :( He's given up just sitting there and is going on his PC now bless him. I know how it feels to feel so sick but not want to be physically sick to get rid of the feeling of being sick.

Well I think that I waffled enough now so I'm going to sign off here.

Ni ni.

x

Today's Ramble 28.12.08

Listening to Bohemian Rhapsody right now, methinks it is a very appropriate song considering life's recent events. Then it'll be We Will Rock You and Somebody to Love.. My selection of Queen songs, annoying considering I had both of their Greatest Hits albums on Tape, need a converter but thinking about it I lost most of my cassettes when my car sprung a leak and soaked everything in the boot.

I am feeling a little bit peckish at the moment, I think I might go get something to eat.

BBS.

mmm a spam sarny and a packet of salt and vinegar squares mmmmmmmm *lips licks* lol oops nearly fell off the bed then rofl oopsie

I haven't had a despatch notification for my headphones yet :( I guess I won't hear from them til Monday which is really annoying because they could have sent them out on Saturday :( maybe it was an automated email to confirm my order and they're not actually working on a saturday, maybe they're not going to send me a despatch notification I don't know will have to see heheh

Is it despatch, or dispatch? Most of the post I've had recently when it's a notification says dispatch, but I'm sure I learned it as despatch? I'm confused - if anyone could enlighten me I'd be very grateful. :D

why can't this stupid thing have a few basic smileys? Other blog software I've looked at has them. Why not this one? Boring Blogger heheh

Simon has finally come upstairs having finished the robot, he said that to get it to look like it does in the picture he would have to bend pieces of metal which can't be right?

He started that about 9pm I think lol bless him at least he bothered to finish it for Euan which was a lovely thing to do, I bet he enjoyed making it really bless lol

I don't really know what else to type really, I'm blogged out today, nothing interesting has happened today

I think I'll leave it at that.

x

Just a very very quick one!

She's alive! Oh fuck I am so relieved and happy that I am talking to her right now.

Honestly I thought she had done it when I had no reply to my text.

At least I know she is "OK" obviously not dancing on the ceiling OK but just "fine"

That's all I wanted to say.

What a relief.

x

Ohhhh f...

Just read a very good friend's blog, it's very depressing and seems to be talking of suicidal thoughts but in a cryptic way, it brought lots of tears to my eyes and now I am so worried, honestly I am.

I don't know what to do, because if she's done something daft, well, I want to shout out and tell SOMEONE about it, someone that can fix it and make it better?

Oh god oh fuck what do I do?

IF she hasn't done what I think she's done and I go and. No I can't oh god I'm so worried now.

It's times like these that you realise how much someone means to you, it's a bugger that I didn't make it clear before now that I WANT to be that close person that she's talking about, I WANT to be that person that she can talk about anything and everything with without judging her, I WANT to be the person that tells her to stop being daft and stops her from DOING that something daft. I just WANT to be there for her, all the time... but

I can't if she's already "gone"

I don't know what to read into what she's said I mean it might even be that she's cutting away from internet, from me, or something I don't know I just wish I bloody well understood that brain of hers so that I could pre-empt her moves and make everything all better and stuff.

Poor girl just needs a REAL friend, one that will treat her with as much respect as they treat their loved one,, or their daughter, or best friend or something. I want to much to be that person but she just isn't interested in me becoming that close with her :(

Oh fuckeroo what am I going to do?!

*texts her again*

*sighs* I really hope that she is alive and hasn't done anything daft

Today's Ramble 27.12.08

14:31

Well, I think tis all over now we've not been invited anywhere for New Year's Day so looks like Christmas is discontinued in our house. The lounge is a mess though there's bags and bags of presents where we just don't know where the heck to put them lol

The house is so damn cold today, you'd think that we'd left the doors open all night, we're simply FREEZING as I sit typing this I feel pain in my fingers as they are cold and non-responsive.

22:53

Well I blogged loads earlier don't you think?

Today has been a good day overall, I've played a game with Euan and one with Bronny and then another with Bronny and the kids have been wrapped up in their DS's again so they've not pestered me to keep them company or anything, typical the one day I'm in the mood to play with them is the day that they don't want to play with me rofl *rolls eyes*

Oscar is trying to find a way to get on my desk to see the hammies lol who I have to say are looking rather old and frail at the moment, I've been giving them the same food that I always give them and they've had treats now and again, the only thing I've not done is given them a regular supply of veg because they just don't eat it, perhaps that's where the problem lies :(

Oh, the rats :( *sobs* I had to split them up today :( I noticed that the babies had a lot of injuries around their head/neck area and it was teeth marks not scratches so I've put Bart and Corny (two blacks) together and put Archie in with the babies. Hopefully Archie is NOT the one that has been attacking everyone. I THINK IT's one of the black ones, but I will keep an eye on them now they have been separated to ensure that the black ones are not beating on each other too much. Though I think their problem is that they keep vieing with the others to see which one is going to be the boss, and it gets messy because the babies are being obviously bullied and Archie has war wounds on him too, I wouldn't be too surprised if they cope better now whilst they don't have each other to annoy each other. I hope they do anyway.

I might try and stay awake a bit so that I can hear if they are still fighting in their split groups, if they are I have no idea how to separate them as I only have two cages in effect so I can only split them 3 and 2, and I don't really want to split the babies up.. though from what I have heard apart from a short scuffle not long after I put the black boys in the bottom cage they have sorted themselves out and are fine. HERE'S HOPING

I'm wondering now how much or how little of my blog makes sense. Simon said that he couldn't understand me because I drift from one subject to another then back to the other subject again so I'm wondering how many of you are laughing at me too because I can't write for toffee rofl I don't mind being laughed at, I'm used to it :)

Am listening to music on my pc via my headphones atm, but I'm not being ignorant, as Simon is in the room and might want to talk to me about something I only have a headphone in one of my ears not in both. Won't be able to do that with my new ones I don't think, I ordered them today from Amazon - I had order confirmation earlier today but no despatch confirmation :( I guess it means I have to wait for them even longer. They COULD have despatched them today and I'd hopefully receive them by Monday, forgot that tomorrow was SUnday for a minute was going to say tomorrow. Just checked my email and had no confirmation of despatch :( Never mind I guess.

My head really itches, I think that I'm having a bit of a reaction to the nit lotion that Simon put on my hair on Christmas Eve so we could get rid of the bloody things, I know it's days later but it's the only thing that can make me itch like hell other than the loose skin on my scalp because there is no little shites left that I have found and to itch in as man places asI am, there would be enough of the little sods to notice them and find one, even if they are babies maybe. Hopefully it will have worked fto kill the babies though because I couldn't stand an infestation of the buggers again.

my wrists ache again today, especially my left one, I'm wondering ifI have it the wrong way on the keybaord which is causing the pain, I do seem to be straining to get to the letters that I need. I think it's because I need to be thinner for my arms to sit where they are supposed to sit on the keyboard heheh, oh well.

Right, sleep time now methinks.

Gnight.

x

waiting...

hello fellow bloggies at this present moment in time I am sitting waiting for itunes to convert the formats of the music I have on my harddrive so that it can be played in itunes, then once I have done that I have to sort out my new toy!

Out of all the Christmas presents I have had I have to say that the Ipod Dad casually gave me today has to be my favourite! Not quite sure when I am going to use it, but at least I shall have me an Ipod! At least now there is something to play with Euan's bumble bee robot to, we just need to get him a cheap mp3 player now so that he can listen to some music via his transformer robot heheh mp3 players are quite cheap actually, and I only have to buy him the McFly album and he'll be in his element, especially if he is told that it is mcfly that is, he LOVES McFly heheh. Bless him

I can't believe that Dave has paid to have his DS repaired so that OLIVIA can have it, she's only bloody 6!! For god sake that child is so spoilt, and it's obvious that she is too, little cow bag she was today, marching around all "I'm the best I am" and her parents oh so proud of her. *rolls eyes* well, one day someone will tell her like it is and she'll be all upset and realise that the whole world DOESN'T revolve around her no matter how much her Daddy thinks it does too.

Oh well, *puts claws away* at least I know that my children are not all arrogant like she is. I can't believe what a foul mood Dave was in just because Mum had dragged him out to get a photo of her Grandchildren *rolls eyes* Shannon and Sophie ended up in the picture and they're not even Mum's Grandchildren! Though, I guess I could have the same attitude when I wish that Simon's parents would see my children as their adopted Grandchildren. I can see in a way why they refuse to. They also worry about stealing the place of their real Grandparents, but considering they never see them I can't see what the problem is.

Geesh I'm a synical bitch tonight lol Christmas is over now then, all that stress and excitement and it's all finished. All done. Why does Christmas only have to be one day and then another on boxing day, it's just not fair, Christmas should last a week and you should all have enough relatives who buy presents, even simple ones that last all week in receiving them lol

We're off to Toys R Us to take a toy back, the Bopit Download isn't working and it's really annoying because lights flash and things happen but there is no sound which there is supposed to be as soon as someone touches it. There are no general instructions in the box either or a CD for the bopit download software as the online download install is broken as soon as you click to try and do something it tells you to reinstall it that's even after it has been fixed.

I've synched the Ipod with my pc now, shame I had to lose most of the music that was already on the Ipod but I guess it's re-downloadable, though it looks as though most of the music came from cd's of Mum's as only a handful of tracks were purchased, they have gone now but never mind I'm sure I can afford to buy some music at 79p per track. I won't just go haywire though because I don't listen to music THAT much, I'll just see how I get on with the music that I have got I think.

Simon has just found (23:52) that two of his spider habitats have gone mouldy! eeek so he's changing them now and hoping that with the extent of mould that the spiders have survived. He's never had that problem before, I can't understand why he would have that problem now with just those two spideys houses. He's changed the housing for one of them but is wondering how the hell to change the housing of the other one because apparently it's a spider that will just want to bite him eek lol

Right, that's me done for a while, it wasn't supposed to be my daily ramble just something whilst I was waiting for itunes to find all my media and then whilst waiting for my ipod to sync with itunes.

x

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas
to all my Blog Readers :)

I'm off to Si's parents at 11am but it's present unwrapping time first! lol

Simon is just jumping in the shower then we'll go downstairs and watch them open their pressies heheh woot! I'm so excited.

I had some weird dreams last night/this morning heheh one of them was that I had bought them both this furry creature thing (not live) that had a tamagotchi plugged into his tummy and you could plug HIM in via a USB cable from his rear end lol really strange, I don't know if they do them or not and I've seen one in a shop to get the idea or whether it's my extra vivid imagination again heheh.

Children are up and playing on their DS's waiting for Si to have a shower and a poop *rolls eyes* we're supposed to be going downstairs at 9am, but I doubt he can shit shave and shower within 35 minutes rofllmao please excuse my graphic explanation rofl well at least I didn't go into more details :P

Had a nice bath and shower last night so that I'm nice and clean for today and tomorrow :) well, it wasn't nice actually because I don't enjoy bathing OR showering as much since I've been on this lead, my nose runs something terrible in the heat of the bath condensation or something, but my tube decides to blow it into my airways for me to choke on as I'm sitting up because it literally blows up through my nose and down my throat. Then once I get in the shower no matter how careful I am when washing my hair, the water runs down the tube, probably from behind my ears like a waterfall and half of that gets blown up my nose and the other half thankfully trickles annoyingly down my face from my lips. I've resorted to having a bath with the tube on and having a towel handy, but when it comes to washing my hair I take the tube off and wash my hair so quick you'd think it's not been washed. I'm gagging for breath by the time I've finished so even though my face is annoying wet I have to manhandle myself into the tube up over my ears, putting up with it pulling my ears because I have to pull it tight-ish to keep it on. (I use tape on my face when my face and the tube is dry. My tube was well manky where I stuck it to my face so I just binned it and got a new one out.

That's why I don't like having baths or showers with my tube on. :(

Right I'm off now to get ready to go downstairs and watch the children open their Christmas presents.

Catchya laters!

xx

Merry Christmas again peeps!

Today's Ramble 24.12.08

arrrghhhhh arrrrgghghghghhhhh it's only one sleep arrrrgghhhhhh weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wooot woot!

*dances* *jigs* *wriggles* woot!

rofl

ONE SLEEP THE SLEEP TONIGHT WOOT WOOT WOOT

And why am I so excited?

as I can't wait to see the children open their Christmas presents "from Santa" heheh

I know all other presents are not really going to matter now that they have their precious DS's but hopefully they will still like what we have got for them :D

I've left their DS's charging out on the landing so that they are ready for them to play on tomorrow :D They both have a large selection of games to play on their R4 cards, I'm definitely going to have to get me one of those cards and a MicroSD card to plug into it, what a clever clever idea, I've never seen so many DS games in one place. The more GB they can squeeze on their SD cards the more games they can put on them.

I'm thinking of buying them either a 4 or 8gb memory SD card, that should be more than sufficient for the game and the save games to fit all two hundred games on. Doesn't look like there are 200 games on the two dvd's combined but that's how many games it said there was so they must all be there. I'm trying to think of what size SD card I would need to ensure that they have the entire stock of games on one card so they never have to take it out of the slot. :D The less things they take out the less things there are for them to lose :D

All I know is that I need me an R4 card and SD card so that I can play some of the games too, it would save an absolute fortune especially considering every game that I was going to ever buy is on that list of 200 games. If I could get them all for me to play with too I'd be laughing :) I think there are many games that I wouldn't play such as the pokemongames and the like but the rest I could easily get addicted too, nintendogs Labrador for instance is still a fortune to buy in the shops and I could have it for nothing woot! heheh

Well, it's nearly Christmas, not that Santa Claus is coming for me, but I enjoy the excitement that the children bring into the house, as long as they are not stupid excited which they won't be as they will have their DS's to play with.

I hope Michael and Michelle are only making a swift entrance and not staying all day today, otherwise I may as well stay here because I cannot stand the way they have to take over the whole day, they always make it sound as if it is about them, Simon's Dad doesn't always get dragged in but Christina spends all her time talking to them and I get deafed out in the lounge if Simon is yet again fixing the pc *rolls eyes*

Well, I've treated Bronny and Euan and Simon treated me with the headlice treatment today so hopefully none of us have live ones anymore although I saw a live one on Euan's head, I think it was live anyway, will soon find out if we are still infected with the damn parasites.

watches as every readers' skin crawls lol sorry peeps but I have to be honest as the day.

Ooooh 50 minutes until tomorrow then it is officially Christmas Day heheh, to think that some people are already up and celebrating Christmas whereas some will only be getting up as we go to bed, time zones are so strange, I honestly used to believe that you could travel to a future time zone, see the horse racing results and then come back and put your bet on the horses. Not literally time travel but to a country who is like 8 hours ahead *rolls eyes* little was I to know eh? So innocent and bloody thick back then! rofl

I miss my Nan. I really do, it's not going to stop me going to see Gramps on Boxing Day before we go round to my parents house though, we simply must go and visit him, I'll be the only Grandchild he's not seen all Christmas otherwise. Bless his old socks he's really getting rather senile in his old age, remembering things that were not there to be remembered, or remembering little things that meant nothing to anyone else but he claims that they've bothered him all this time. Oh well, I still loves him to bits the silly old sausage. It is him after all Nan. rofl

Reminds me of the time we were there on a Saturday, you see back when we were growing up we'd go and stay at Nan's for the day on a Saturday, Dad would join us there for dinner and then we'd all go home. Anyway, Nan had a head on her, one of her usual bad heads that she had regular and Mum said something about it and Nan turned round and said it's him and was about to start on a world of why Gramps was to blame when Gramps came in from the kitchen saying "what's me?" lol he had been listening. You know when you think men are not listening? When you don't want them to listen they do, but when you want them to they don't? Well this was one of those moments. You'd have to have been there to find the funny side of it but boy we found it funny, we were in stitches.

Snuggling down on this wonderful comfortable bed reminds me of Nan too, because their front bedroom bed was this comfortable, it was a bed worth dying in, only I didn't, I stayed there every weekend instead :) No-one else was allowed, only me, I think at one point we were supposed to alternate between my Sister and myself but she grew out of wanting to go but I'd never grow out of it, even when I left home I still wanted to go and stay at my Nan's house. Everything was safe in that bed, nothing was ever going to hurt me, I'd had my night night kiss and cuddle of Nan and Gramps and that was it then, I was set for the night, nothing could hurt me.

This bed makes me have warm safe thoughts that I used to have in my Nan's front room bed. Not sure where it has gone now as it is no longer there, I think it went when Nan died to be honest, no need for it because no-one would ever stay again :(

I love my Nan, I wish I could spend just one more Saturday with her. Just her and me and Gramps, no-one else in the world to piss us off. Just us three :) :D

Merry Christmas and Ni Ni world.

Ni Ni Nan. I love you forever.

x

Today's Ramble 23.12.08

2 sleeps! You better watch out... you better not cry you better not shout, I'm telling you why...

Coz Santa Claus is comin to town!

He sees you when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you have been bad or good so be good for goodness sakes....


revelation, I have just realised that I'm 32 years old and have NEVER cooked a Christmas Dinner! I've always been at my Mum's or the Mum of my partner, so I've never had to cook it at all. Not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Wouldn't be able to do it now mind. Too much energy and standing up time required for me to succeed. I'd try if I had to though, I'm no lazy cow.

I love having dinner cooked for me for once though that isn't fast food, it makes a change for me to not be slaving over the dinner and getting all worked up to ensure that it is absolutely perfect.

I have just learned something I never knew, that adult bearded dragons eat mainly veg! I thought the bigger/older they got they just ate more bugs and bigger bugs, I honestly didn't know that they ate veg at all heheh.


I need to read up on crabbies soon because in the new year that is what we are putting in the tank on my desk, it will be a shared venture between myself and Simon so I won't have all the care and maintenance on my own we will share on those jobs.


Oh yeah, bad news :( :( :( I have to split the ratties in the morning, I THINK that it's the two blacks causing all the fuss, so I'm going to put them in the bottom bit and archie with the bairns in the top half, hopefully this will eradicate the problem and I won't find out it's Archie that's beating on the babies, will soon find out though. I just hope that once the boys are split from the rest of the group they will not spend their time beating up each other and causing each other to bleed lots and be in great pain.

gotta go Simon wants me to log out for the night, will add more in the morn.

x

What a morning 23.12.08

Children were found to be playing together in Euan's bedroom again this morning, they are not allowed to play together until it's time to get up because of the noise that they make together lol They have broken the rules the past two mornings, it's Bronny coming out and going into Euan's room because she is bored and she knows she's not allowed to do that, naughty naughty Bronny!

Anyway that is what awoke Simon and caused him to get up, I was woken up much later by Euan getting rather loud in his games. It is as if he gets louder and louder to try and wake me up the later it is lol poor sod hasn't yet realised that I could sleep through a bomb lol

Didn't get up til gone lunchtime so of course my first port of call when I got up was to make the children some food. They were starving hungry by the time I fed them, but at least I fed them, they had a ham bap, crisps and some biscuits, two chocolate and 2 custard creams. That will be enough to sate them until tea time, heheh.

We're watching 20,000 leagues under the sea at the moment, what a load of crap rofl unfortunately although it is nearly Christmas, there is bugger all else on. I came down to watch the TV thinking that because it's nigh on Christmas that there will be something decent on *rolls eyes* perhaps we should try and look again because it's so crap I'm watching it rofl

Kids have been fighting this morning too, well this afternoon when we came downstairs they started fighting lots so I had to shout really loud at them to get their attention so that they would stop fighting. Simon has sent them to their bedrooms for being naughty and I have to say it's the quietest they have been since they have been off school.

I don't know why they have to constantly fight, it's terrible one of these days they are going to kill each other with the way they fight, it's terrible, honestly they kick and punch at each other so badly and they don't care where their assault lands on each other the amount of times they've been on the sofa just kicking and punching each other in the head and everywhere, all it needs is for one of them to catch the other in the neck at the wrong angle and that's it .. gone :(

Well, that's enough blogging of waffle crap for me for now.

Ni ni.

x

Today's Ramble 22.12.08

Oh My God!

3 THREE sleeps til Christmas! THREE I said, did you hear me!? EEEEK

lol

Well, it's nearly time for Santa to be magicking himself into our house, you see we don't have a traditional chimney, we don't have a chimney at all, so he can't make his way down the chimney can he? rofl

I don't have anything to leave out for him either only a few biscuits and a glass of milk maybe and a carrot and bowl of water for the reindeer maybe, even though they stay on the roof they still need something don't they? heheh Magic is only half in our house this year as Bronny has given up believing this year, she was almost there last year but I managed to squeeze another year out of her heheh. Euan might be easier to keep going for longer as he is a burger short of a happy meal bless his little heart.

That's the annoying thing with Euan, he seems so intelligent with his literacy maths and science at school and his reading seems to be top notch he's really picking up on his reading, so why on earth, when it comes to common sense and general brains, does he act as thick as a plank? :S Laura mentioned that he might have a degree of autistic ness within him and I'm wondering if she is indeed right. He seems forever younger than his age in his mentality and actions, he has no common sense whatsoever and cannot problem solve in the slightest, it only takes mere words to bamboozle and confuse him (when Simon is messing about and teasing him I mean). I just do not think that he is completely all there.

Simon has complained that the hammies smell again which is really annoying as I only cleaned them out the other day, they seem to go through stages of being stinky little buggers all the time even if they have been just cleaned out, would be so much easier if we could bathe hamsters, I'd get them smelling all fresh and sweet in no time heheh. Which reminds me the rats still need their bath :S I'm not looking forward to bathing them because they are little jumpy buggers and jump out of the bath all over the place.

I need to do the water just deep enough so that they cannot purchase a grip on the bottom of the bath and curl up into their spring that they do without being under water level slightly so they can't jump out of the bath.

Though I can get the children to come into the bath and help me by gently pushing them back in when they keep falling back out heheh. I think it will make a big difference to de-stink them, that way with new bedding put down yesterday it will be a little while longer before they are due to be cleaned out again.

I find they are like hamsters and the more I clean out the more that they start peeing all over the place to get their scent around which deviates from the point of cleaning them out more regularly and it doesn't do them any good to be living in a peesoaked environment it must damage their respiratory systems to have to tolerate ammonia and of course it doesn't do us any good either.

My hair needs washing again already damned greasyness that it is, I find that whenever I use the cheap value shampoo my hair comes up squeaky clean from the shower but it is a shorter time between washes that it needs doing again because of grease and dirt and whatever else collects in the hair.

I have visitors again too that I have to eradicate soon but I need the money to get the stuff to do it, I will have to do me and the children because I'm sure I've seen Bronny and Euan scritching too :( I might do them the old fashioned way with conditioner because I would hate to have to put even more chemicals on their little heads, though I can't afford the proper lotion at the moment anyway and the chemist doesn't always have the one I want to use in. None of the full marks treatments work, so it looks like Prioderm again as Derma whatsit doesn't work, there's only the one that does work on our heads, I just hope that it still works and that I can get some and eradicate the visitors by Christmas Day before we are due at other people's houses. Boxing Day will be the worst because all the children are going to be there in that tiny little house.

I still cannot believe that Mum has invited Dave to come round on Boxing Day for a photograph when Boxing Day is MY day with them, ffs, I bet they all stay forever and it'll be like it's not worth Simon and I being there, yes the kids won't care either way apart from the fact that Bronny doesn't like the piss kids, I'm pretty sure that they don't think much of my two either from everything Caroline would have said to them about our family.

I'm looking forward to seeing Clare but at the same time I'm dreading how squashed everyone is going to be in the house, there's also the fact that I'm betting Dad will have to work over Boxing Day, he never used to have it off at Frenches, he'd only ever get Christmas Day off before and then come Boxing Day the shop would be open up again for sales. Dad doesn't work in the shop but it doesn't make a difference he has to be on hand for technical sales and questions, answers that Belinda cannot give customers, and most probably to keep up to date with repairs etc.

I often wonder how many of the TV's and Videos and stereos within the room that Dad works in have been there for an age and what they are all there for, I know that things break and need repairing and stuff but isn't it now cheaper to just go out and buy something new rather than paying to get it repaired.

Must ask Dad what he's doing/done with our DVD player whether he can fix it with spare parts within the workshop or whether he's had to go out and buy a part for it, in which case it may very well be cheaper to just go out and buy a new DVD player from Tesco, especially as you can get one for less than a tenner these days.

Eeeek I've waffled til me fingers are dry and breaking off rofl

Ni ni

xx

Today's Ramble 21.12.08

Am sitting here falling asleep even though I have had sleep since I went to bed before, Simon got me up to make the bed and get in bed, he was going on his computer for a couple of minutes and then going to bed but his motherboard is buggered so he's faffing with that right now. Heonly managed to get it to load about once out of 20 times :S it's making one or two more beeping noises than it should too, he's in the middle of trying to do manual software repairs I THINK. Other than that I don't know what he is up to.

If it means a new mobo we're talking £67 (rounded up) for one that would be remotely worth getting as there's no point getting a lower spec mobo for a start he'd not be able to use vista which is his OS, and he'd not be able to pay all his games which he has spent some money on over the last few months. (not accusing him of spending lots of money on games just saying) the only way to do it is to buy an upgrade mobo, simply because he'll be looking at upgrading in the future and would need a new mobo, so might as well get one now rather than buying same movo now (£50 odd) and then upgrading in a few months (£more money) He's already spent in the region of £100 on his new case, which in all honesty to someone who knows nothing about it? I think it was a waste of money.

Oh well, it's his money after all (well, half of it) that's what he seems to keep forgetting! That my half is in there somewhere!

Had a reasonable day today, am knackered and monged already though because I didn't have my sleep this afternoon I chose to go on lappy instead. The yearn to go on lappy is getting warmer again, I was worried for a while that I didn't care much about it, but it was just when I was feeling poorly, am addicted again now :D

Well, nearly Christmas :) I forgot to ask Simon if he thought I'd need to put some money in the car for Christmas or whether it would be OK because we have to go to his parents Christmas Day and mine Boxing Day, neither journeys are all that close, although we're closer to my parents than we've ever been since moving out of Tamworth.

Simon has a blue screen lol, he's checking the memory on his PC as someone suggested to him that it could be that, but Simon says it's not looking like it is the memory. That would only leave the mobo because Si said it can't be the harddrive.

Fwog is splashing and banging about quiet a bit tonight :S not sure whether she can't get comfortable or whether she's actually enjoying the ability to splash about, Simon reckons it#s the latter, but I think she's struggling to stay above the water line that Si has created :S I think she's making too many flitting moves for it to be moving around and enjoying herself. BUT She's Simon's Fwog and he knows best after all..

Well I've waffled on about practically nothing tonight so I am going to behave and shut up and bog off now.

LUB to all

Carol

xx

Ramble 21.12.08

waiting... for Simon to decide if he wants feeding or not, want to order from Joe's Pizza (the fast food options not the pizza options) but can't order anything until Simon has decided whether or not he wants to eat or not, there's not much point in me ordering if he isn't going to eat anything.

I might just order anyway in a minute and if he doesn't want feeding now he can have his reheated later on, it won't taste too bad reheated anywhoo.

Have had a weird day today, haven't slept yet because have been on lappy whilst the children are on DS and PC, I didn't get up until lunchtime so shouldn't really have slept anyway so good job I didn't heheh.

I cleaned out the ratties today, they stink and were well overdue *blush* I need time and no back ache to do them though because standing up that long makes my legs very painful and my back REALLY bad, so if it's painful already it's stupid to attempt it. Didn't do too bad in cleaning them out though and when I had finished I came upstairs with the children round about 1.30pm and allowed them on the PC and DS to change every hour upon the hour so Bron ended up with 1.5 hours to start with so I could make them change at the o clock rather then involving minutes heheh

They did their usual interfering with each other whilst on the PC, the DS hardly got played with. Can't say I blame them I haven't got that many games that would interest them, Euan likes Ben10 Super mario, rayman and Spiro but he gets fed up of them so so quickly :S heheh I can see him getting through his list of 200 games to play on that one card within a week, as in playing nearly everything at least once and being bored.

Hopefully between the DS and the presents he receives for Christmas they will keep him busy bee. :)

That's me done for now, going to order now and hope that Simon soon finds his appetite.

x

Rambleamble 19.12.08

Oops, I'm slacking on this blog thing. To be honest I have felt so bleugh lately that I have neglected everything that I should be doing, I have even neglected the forum and for me not to have blogged must mean I am having a hard time of it right now. lol

We managed to get the Christmas Shopping done yesterday, we went to ToysRUs in Tamworth and got everything for both and stocked up on some batteries too heheh we just need some C batteries for one of Bronny's things and then we is all sorted. All wrapped up and hidden safely away :) woot now all we need is to get through the next 5 days of the children beating each other up, I say 5 because they'll have their DS/s off Aunty Emma on Christmas Eve so that will be a day where they are not fighting because they are bored.

Have just put Christmas music on to drown out Simon's horrible war game lol hopefully it's not going to piss him off too much, but with his game being so loud he won't even hear it over there. Always shooting and killing heh at least it's only a game.

I had bad dreams again last night, my own fault, was thinking about his parents before I went to sleep and that caused me to dream about him and his family which I hate doing not only do I have a bad night sleep but I always feel so guilty for even thinking about that sort of thing, never mind spending the night dreaming about it. I keep wondering how much easier life MIGHT be for Simon and I with the children if they were involved, the parents I mean, not HIM. But it might go the other way and it might be as stressful as ever.

*shuts up*

I mustn't really think like that, we have enough stress in our lives without reintroducing more. *rolls eyes*

*I wish it could be Christmas every day...* I don't because it wouldn't be a special day then and people wouldn't bother buying gifts for each other on a daily basis, no one would be able to afford it for a start.

We have bought a tin of Quality Street for each of our parents and a box of celebrations for James and for Adam (one each) I would have got them a tin to share but James would have pigged them all and left Adam with nowt rofl

I have a vague memory that we've bought Quality Street for Mum and Dad before and they have said that they prefer Roses, perhaps we should try and get a tin of Roses instead hopefully they are not too much money, haven't seen any in Tesco when we went though so maybe they don't do them anymore. Will have to ask Simon to have a look when he next goes in to Tesco as we owe someone a tin as Simon opened one of the tins last night *rolls eyes* I wasn't in the mood for sweeties or anything, I'm not really in the mood for "anything" to be honest, I really should get off my arse and do something but I am so tired.

I can't believe how much that damn flu and tummy bug took it out of me, I'm still recovering, tummy still in pain from the throwing up constant coughing and then pooping water *rolls eyes* hopefully I'll be able to find the space to fit some food in my body tomorrow without throwing it back up or anything, that would be so embarrassing.

Have turned the music down a bit now because Simon has stopped his game and he keeps moaning about the children singing to the songs and doing his head in *rolls eyes* they are doing my head in too actually just singing one or two words in the whole song and singing those out of line or out of tune lol

It's my best mate's birthday today, I didn't get her anything I got her something for Christmas though heheh :) bless her, she deserves so much more than what I bought, but that is all she wanted I couldn't persuade her to tell me what else she wanted heheh.

Oh well. She asked for it and I got it so I guess come Christmas Eve she will be a happy bunny. I just hope she didn't forget that I was getting it her and got it from someone else or something.

I've wrapped it nicely with a gift tag and a bow anyway, not that that makes a difference, but then again it does, if it looks more intriguing then it's more fun.

Ooh Space man came travelling, I really like this song, the one by Chris De Burgh. Beautiful song ;)

Right, have waffled enough for now so I'm going to bugger off and have a nap now methinks before it's too late to have one.

Lub

xx

Today's Ramble 16.12.08

My word it seems like an age since I sat in here, in my blog that is, I'm nowhere different to normal, plonked on the bed.

I apologise for my absence but boy, you certainly know when you have got the flu don'tya! lol

I've been absent for so long but still can't think of what to type. Simon read my blog today and commented on a lot of it, where I've either had a moan about him or his hobbies or something *oops*

Managed to convert Vikki to Firefox today WOOT, another user! rofl if only I had commission for the amount of people that I have converted lol Perhaps I should do a post on the forum explaining how easy it is to get firefox and be set up with a popup blocking piece of kit within minutes. Nah, cba right now lol

I might try and get some shut eye in a minute, my eyes are hurting and I think that's a headache brewing in the mist :S The mist is what professes to be my brain, nothing professor about it unless it's possible to be a professor of thick without being brainy to be the professor bit. DOH

Saw Euan's Nativity tonight heheh, it was soooo cute and all the children did so well bless them heheh it looked like they had a fantastic time bless their little hearts. That's it now, no more infant nativities, all Juniors after this year, and they don't have them in secondary school at all as far as I know so we won't even have any from Bronny after next year. eeeeek

Euan played a small part as one of the Narrators, he had to read two lines of the play and as far as I could hear he got them perfect :) the singing was really good and the songs were so cute and amazing :) They sang to a tape, don't know if they had recorded it previously or not but the songs truly were good.

The stable animals were so cute! heheh cows and sheepies and horses and oh how cute were they, and the sheepies in the field and the lambs! woot! lol

Bless their hearts they did so well.

Euan was a bit hyper and naughty when the nativity had finished he was a bit pushy and then mouthy when we got outside, but he soon calmed down. Bronny proved herself wrong of course, she said she was just going to sit quietly next to me for the whole Nativity, she was fidgeting and faffing changing seats before it even started, she even lost her seat on the gym benches because she moved off. *rolls eyes* was a bit annoyed as to why all the children collected there and talked all the way through actually was rather offputting to be honest, I didn't even see who they had come to see, obviously no-one as they were not interested in the production itself only in sitting and talking, that was two lads and their mate and even the parents were joining in not telling them to be quiet or anything. >:[ that bloke recording must have been so annoyed, I know I would have been if I was making a recording of my child's nativity

Then there was the girl stood behind me who constantly kicked my damn wheelchair wheel the entire time, all the way through the thing, I could have turned round and told her to stop it, I did turn half in her direction a couple of times after she gave it a big kick but she didn't take the fooking hint, I should have took the brakes off and ran her foot over! rofl

Anyway enough moaning from me.

Ni ni

Today's Ramble 12.12.08

I am such a dick head.

This morning was a stupid rush to get to hospital in time for my appointment at 9:40am to assess whether or not I need foot care (someone to deal with my feeties) instead of getting constant ingrowing toenails and stuff. eeek (I have one now and it kills like anything especially when I stub it on something, it's gone septic again with puss and everything bleugh).

Anyway, poor Simon struggled to get me out of the house in the wheelchair, every movement a chore for him whilst he has flu, really badly I'm worried about him his breathing is terrible with his asthma and not being able to take in a proper breath and only have shallow breathing because of the flu and the cough he has developed, he then struggled to lift the wheelchair into the car, I struggled to get in the car and get comfortable.

Then there was the struggle the other end, Simon couldn't get a space on the carpark so he had to stop in the entrance and just drop me off, this meant that I had to struggle to push myself into the hospital, the ground is nice and paved but it's uneven and the wheelchair wants to go the way of the slope but I need to cut across it, or to go up it with my limited energy, I am so bloody heavy.

When I finally got into the hospital I had to search to find out where my appoinmtent was and when I got there I was told to go upstairs, and I went upstairs, they told me to go downstairs, blah blah the lovely girl on the rheumy ward phoned through to the podiatry clinic for me and found out...

that my appointment was on 9th, Tuesday gone, so I was late in date as well as in time by the time it was eventually checked where I needed to be, apparently they'll send me a new appointment out in the post which means that I won't be seen until the new year now! FFS How could I make such a fuck up!?

I am sooo bloody annoyed with myself for that, and I just know that my readers will be laughing, one at the story and then laughing because it is just something typical, VERY typical of me. You can laugh, I won't mind, I'm seeing the funny side now, I wanted to cry at the hospital though I felt like such a tit.

Simon has got up and buggered off downstairs again bless him, not sure why he's gone as he didn't tell me, perhaps he's gone to top up the hot water bottle, or perhaps he's gone for a hot chocolate or a cold drink, or perhaps he's sitting up on the sofa downstairs, if he's not back soon I will go and check on him to make sure he is OK. He is so poorly bless him. His poorly is described like my semi bad day, so I do know how he feels, lets hope he doesn't get to one of my bad days in pain and moving around etc. The only cure for what he has is to wrap up warm, take paracetamol and sweat it out :S Poor sod. I know how much I hate having flu, I just hope that the post nasal drip, aches and pains and the feeling of shit was me with it and that was the worst I got before it buggered off. Thinking about it, I had bad temperatures too.

I need to make a badge for the forum, it has to be worn throughout the year so it has to look pretty good and be a decent size so it is noticeable, whereas it has to be something that is bearable to look at for a whole year.

One of my friends has fallen out with me again, this time it was something that is truly nothing to do with them, yes it has happened to their best friend but it does not give them the right to have a go at me about it.

*shuts up* saves her sending me a Christmas Card I guess. *sigh*

I think that's all I shall write about for today, this has all put me in a not very good mood at all.

Lubs

Carol

x

Today's Ramble 11.12.08

What a day. *rolls eyes*

Simon is not going to get much sleep tonight by the sound of him, poor sod, he went to bed just after 8pm but is up now (11pm) coughing up boogers and blowing his nose constantly. He has one of those kool aid patch thingies on his forehead and it's not taking his temperature down. Poor sod, he has flu, perhaps man flu

I'm buggered if i can think of what to blog about, there is one subject but I don't even want to go there in this blog.

I'm sorry about my other blog, I didn't mean to get all emotional and talk about my Nan it just happened :S Oh well it had to be done at some point, better to get the emotions out the way sooner rather than later no disrespect Nan I still love you to bits.

I'm falling asleep at the moment so I am going to bugger off now and sleep.

15 Sleeps!

Eeeeek

Not done ANY Christmas Shopping yet, got no money till next Thursday (week tomorrow) which is the day that they break up! So we literally have about 3 hours to complete the Shopping in time to get home and hide it all ready to wrap it all for Christmas.

I am excited about Christmas this year so the days are going slower than last year when I didn't particularly care about it :S I quite often feel lethargic and dull towards Christmas, I do not know why, I think it's because all of the traditions that I am so used to for so many years have all gone, and I'm a stickler for tradition and I cannot abide or cope with changes to my life, cannot do them at all.

I still want the traditional Christmases of yesteryear when we used to alternate on Boxing Day going to Uncle Len & Aunty Wendy's or Uncle Len & Aunty Wendy coming to us. I think when she died it stopped that tradition, not that I blame her in the slightest I was just explaining.

I can't cope with people dying either, I still haven't and don't think I ever will come to terms with my Nan's death, I just cannot bring myself to think about it in a logical way, then when I try and think about it I end up having nightmares that she was alive when they cremated her and she was struggling to get out, then all of a sudden I was in the coffin trying to get out. Then, well then it was her again and I was trying to scream and shout at everyone that she was alive, but noone would listen to me. :(

-----------

That day I went to meet my Nan in town, was supposed to be meeting her at the house but was too lazy to get up so arranged to meet her in town instead. I keep telling myself now that if I hadn't been so lazy I would have noticed something not right with Nan and insisted we either didn't go into town or we took a taxi in. :( I don't think that ANYTHING I could have changed would have made a difference that fateful day. The day after Grandad's birthday so thankfully she'd been out and had a lovely day the day before.

When she never turned up I started to panic, I knew that something was wrong, I could feel it. I rode (motorbike) to Gramps house, he wasn't there nextdoor neighbour said a copper had taken him away, so I went to the police station, the police station were not allowed to tell me what had happened, I rode to the hospital 16 miles away, they told me that I had better go home and be with my Gramps... they couldn't tell me what was wrong. I knew, I knew then that my Nan was in their morgue, if I wasn't allowed to see her, then she must be dead. I cried all the way to my Gramps house, crying and stressing all the way whilst riding my motorbike at breakneck speed. (as fast as it would go anyway) I got to my Grandad's house, there was a neighbour there, they left me with Gramps, he told me, I collapsed.

That day was most possibly one of, if not THE worst day of my life.

To this day I try to stop myself arguing that if I was there I would have done this, done that, she's not have died. To be honest, if you're going to go, you're going to go. She dropped dead instantly, even the ambulance that was driving past at the time didn't have time to save her, she was gone. Ruptured aorta it was, so really not much anyone could have done, she'd have died in hospital before they could save her if she was already in hospital so I'm told.

My Nan was the world and my Mother to me, she was everything and I idolised her, I loved her so much, I neglected her when I met "him" because he kept me busy at weekends when I should have been seeing my Nan on a weekly basis. I wish that she'd have waited another couple of years to see my kids my kids would be truly honestly blessed by having her in their life.

I just thought of another dream about my Nan, it was a really nice dream to have and I never wanted it to end BUT it was so cruel and harsh in reality. You see I dreamed that my Nan hadn't really died, it was all a big cock up, there she was at their house being her amazing self and I spend the whole day being her Grandaughter again :) It was the most lovely dream but when I did wake up, I thought it was true, I wasn't sure whether it was or not, whether I had just dreamed it all, or whether it was true :( I felt empty and alone when I realised it was a dream, but then I thanked my Nan for visiting my dream.

To this day I honestly believe that she did visit that dream. :) I think she was trying to tell me ehat she'll always be with me, and only most prominent in my dreams even if I don't physically see her, I'll know that she's there. :)