Had repeat blood tests this morning, ESR as usual and FBC this time. The ESR didn't surprise me, yet the FBC did, not been asked to repeat that before.
Booked in with Dr on Thursday morning to discuss blood results and what to do next. (my ESR has been elevated since January, I'm guessing it will be again) also need to discuss oramorph with him too. Also to discuss a change or increase of my gastric reflux meds. Boy have I suffered lately.
Read some rather worrying things about privacy and good old Facebook today, not impressed. G+ have to hurry and host my FB games, then I can erase myself from facebook life (as much as it allows me to, heard rumours about that too) In time, my friends are going to know what I ate for dinner last night, how well I digested it, and what my crap looks like in the morning. "Such fun"
Enough of that, it's making my hair turn grey faster than my kids are able to. (ok, I know I've got the wording wrong there, but poorly is stopping me from correctly wording it)
Poorly has taken over so much of mine and my immediate family's lives, (Simon, kids and I) that I think it now needs a name. I know, it shall be Poppy.
I used to enjoy independence before Poppy, if I had known then, what I know now, I would have enjoyed it all the more. It wasn't just independence that Poppy has stolen from me, there's a mass of things.
When I look at photos of other people's lives on G+, them enjoying simple walks, days out and wonderful things, I stare at Poppy for a split second, and hate her to death, with what she has done to me, why couldn't she outright kill me instead, there would be no more pain, that would be a miracle...
However, thinking more deeply into it, I realise that there would be forevermore NOTHING and no more ANYTHING. That is when I realise that my life is better than I thought, I am even lucky in some aspects, Poppy may have destroyed my body, but she hasn't even touched on my soul. With those words, I count my blessings, I realise what I *do* have left. I realise that Poppy hasn't won, the day she does, will be the day I hang up my coat, and say goodbye to the world.
Until then, I continue to fight, I manage to drag myself through every day, my soul is smiling, I have everything to live for and a whole world to give. You see, I'm only truly happy, when I am giving, I love being generous, it makes me feel so warm and fizzy inside.
Admittedly I rarely afford generosity in one sense of the word, yet there is the other sense, the not sharing of material things, but the sharing of love, warmth and happiness.
I'm still trying to teach my kids these basics, they get their materialistic nature from their Dad, it was so funny, the second Christmas after we split up, he asked Bronny where she wanted to spend Christmas, in front of me, hoping that she would choose him. Her answer, so typically his Daughter, was "who has got me the most presents?" Although cross with her, he immediately claimed he had. She turned to him again and replied "nah, I'm staying with Mummy" brilliant! That will teach him, I thought.
However, it didn't stop him from making the children believe that he would buy them everything and anything, all they had to do was go to his and say they didn't want to come home.
One time that he had them, he phoned me and told me that he wasn't bringing the children back, apparently they were scared of my friend. I was told all about it, then I heard them (his parents and him) goad her into saying she didn't want to come home. She came on the phone and burst into tears and begged me to let her come back home with me. I heard them shouting at her in the background, she was just 4 years old.
Anyway that was a HUGE tangent!
Poppy has been a bully today, not only the pain, which is massive in itself, but the muscle weakness, the vertigo, nausea, feeling seasick, sheer exhaustion, numbness, painful spasms and cramps, the inability to "sound intelligent" because I just forgot my words that I needed to say. I know some bloody good and powerful words, but do you think I can remember them, when I need them? Can I buggery lol! I should create a memo on my mobile of words that I like to use, and include meaning and a few viable alternatives lol yes, that sounds a brilliant idea. Will start on that tomorrow when I'm more alert.
Also hoping to sleep this headache away, haven't taken pain relief yet, simply because I have enough potent drugs in my system as it is! (prescribed, deary) I'm on loads of pain relief, how come none of it ever gets rid of my headache? Only paracetamol, nurofen or ibuprofen works for my headaches. Am I strange or what?
Well, I'm going to catch up on various places where my friends are now.
See you all tomorrow.
Huggles
Carol xxx
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