I can't help but think of Dave's attack on facebook, he was so bloody nasty it has made me wish that I didn't have him as a brother, I don't even understand why he is still holding a grudge to me I just don't think he gives a shit, he is so selfish I cannot believe that he could be that way, I apologised to him for the situation with his precious daughter (just because I didn't go out of my way to take the children to her parties apparently it means that I disowned her and didn't acknowledge her at all) Caroline has forgiven me, or at least she claims she has, so why can't he? How would he like it if it were the other way around. If it was not for me they wouldn't have even met in the first place so I don't think he has much room to bear a grudge.
I'm so upset about it, I want to be angry at him and say something downright nasty back but there is no point he'll just use that as an excuse to hate me all the more. I'm used to being pushed out by them pair (him and my Sister, she treats me like shit too) so I'll just sit and play my own games and bring up my children how I want them bringing up. Sod them. Clare is pissed with me because I forgot Joe's birthday one year and he was upset about it, she still holds a grudge about that, David claims I didn't acknowledge he had a daughter (Oh so what, so I didn't run around her and bow down to her every whim and need like everyone else does) doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that she exists, just means I have better things to do than run around after my niece.
I don't understand my family, I have to make so much effort to be acknowledged and even then 1/2 of them literally don't give a flipping shite about me. Mum and Dad never take the initiative to just come and visit I have to nigh on beg them to visit me and then they only agree so they can finish off the evening with a pizza hut meal. Not once have they thought "oh we'll invite them out to Pizza Hut" not bloody once.
Gramps was the only family member that gave a shit about me and even he doesn't love me as much as he did any more, he's really offish and has fallen out with me with regard to an issue that arose back when I was school age, not even sure why that has come about now, he is very upset about it and I think that even though I am the innocent party he blames me for it, so he's got that stuck in his old head now then, now he doesn't love me like he used to, he used to phone me every week to see how I am, now he doesn't phone me at all. I'm not even sure whether he has my number but that's no excuse as he could have gotten it off Mum and Dad or when I've phoned him he could have asked for it. Nan and Gramps were like parents to me and now I've lost Gramps as well as Nan I feel like all my family has died. It's horrible, I have no-one and I can't even get closer to Christina and Gary because Christina seems funny with me as if she doesn't want me around, not sure what Simon has said to make her feel that way actually.
It's all my own fault I guess, everyone hates me because I am me, there's no other reason to it. Right now, honestly truthfully? I wish I wasn't even on this planet, or universe, I wish that my illness was terminal and I died. Gone, then there's nothing to worry about is there? Kids would get taken into care and they'd find a perfect rich family for them to live in where they would get what they want when they want, go out whenever they want and generally live a better life than they do now. Simon wouldn't miss me in the long run, he'd just go back to being single again, at least he'd have room to put more pets in the house if I were not around him.
My parents wouldn't miss me, they are too busy drooling over precious Olivia and their Son and Daughter-in-law, then there's the daughter and son-in-law to coo over and be close to, too. They are both worthy of my parents love. Gramps is just Gramps, he wouldn't miss me in the slightest, not now he's got it in his head that a situation that he IMAGINES is there is all my fault.
The only things stopping me, honestly is the fact that I don't want someone else to have my children, I may be doing a terribly crap job at bringing them up (just look at their mental states) but at least I am trying my damned hardest. Simon, I love him with all my heart even though he's changed since we met, I've grown to love him more as he's changed, sometimes not for the better but he's my Simon and no-one can take him away from me. Unless they state their undying love for him that is and he likes them, that's all it would need, he's a soft bugger is that man of mine.
What am I talking about, I'd be too scared to do it, I'm scared of pain don'tya know. Even more petrified of death, I'd love to die in my sleep that way I'd not know anything about it, has to be the best way that anyone could go to be honest, that's the way for me, none of this hanging, drowning, over-dosing (although if I went to sleep first that might work) for me.
I think I need an upgrade in medication to be honest, either that or I'm just going through a bad patch. Whatever it is I hope that it leaves me soon, I shouldn't be thinking like this when I have children.
It doesn't help that I am living in times where we are constantly worried about where money is coming from for this that and the other to be honest. Though, I'd be a LOT better off if I didn't have to give Simon £60 a month towards the damn electricity bill, £30 a month I could easily cope with. I might change it to that actually, that way I've got a better chance of being able to get the shopping at the end of the week. I don't know though, I don't want to put Simon in the shit because he needs his money (let's try and remember that half of that money AT LEAST!!! is supposed to be mine too!)
*stops complaining*
*shuts up*
*decides to bugger off to bed instead*
I'm so upset about it, I want to be angry at him and say something downright nasty back but there is no point he'll just use that as an excuse to hate me all the more. I'm used to being pushed out by them pair (him and my Sister, she treats me like shit too) so I'll just sit and play my own games and bring up my children how I want them bringing up. Sod them. Clare is pissed with me because I forgot Joe's birthday one year and he was upset about it, she still holds a grudge about that, David claims I didn't acknowledge he had a daughter (Oh so what, so I didn't run around her and bow down to her every whim and need like everyone else does) doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that she exists, just means I have better things to do than run around after my niece.
I don't understand my family, I have to make so much effort to be acknowledged and even then 1/2 of them literally don't give a flipping shite about me. Mum and Dad never take the initiative to just come and visit I have to nigh on beg them to visit me and then they only agree so they can finish off the evening with a pizza hut meal. Not once have they thought "oh we'll invite them out to Pizza Hut" not bloody once.
Gramps was the only family member that gave a shit about me and even he doesn't love me as much as he did any more, he's really offish and has fallen out with me with regard to an issue that arose back when I was school age, not even sure why that has come about now, he is very upset about it and I think that even though I am the innocent party he blames me for it, so he's got that stuck in his old head now then, now he doesn't love me like he used to, he used to phone me every week to see how I am, now he doesn't phone me at all. I'm not even sure whether he has my number but that's no excuse as he could have gotten it off Mum and Dad or when I've phoned him he could have asked for it. Nan and Gramps were like parents to me and now I've lost Gramps as well as Nan I feel like all my family has died. It's horrible, I have no-one and I can't even get closer to Christina and Gary because Christina seems funny with me as if she doesn't want me around, not sure what Simon has said to make her feel that way actually.
It's all my own fault I guess, everyone hates me because I am me, there's no other reason to it. Right now, honestly truthfully? I wish I wasn't even on this planet, or universe, I wish that my illness was terminal and I died. Gone, then there's nothing to worry about is there? Kids would get taken into care and they'd find a perfect rich family for them to live in where they would get what they want when they want, go out whenever they want and generally live a better life than they do now. Simon wouldn't miss me in the long run, he'd just go back to being single again, at least he'd have room to put more pets in the house if I were not around him.
My parents wouldn't miss me, they are too busy drooling over precious Olivia and their Son and Daughter-in-law, then there's the daughter and son-in-law to coo over and be close to, too. They are both worthy of my parents love. Gramps is just Gramps, he wouldn't miss me in the slightest, not now he's got it in his head that a situation that he IMAGINES is there is all my fault.
The only things stopping me, honestly is the fact that I don't want someone else to have my children, I may be doing a terribly crap job at bringing them up (just look at their mental states) but at least I am trying my damned hardest. Simon, I love him with all my heart even though he's changed since we met, I've grown to love him more as he's changed, sometimes not for the better but he's my Simon and no-one can take him away from me. Unless they state their undying love for him that is and he likes them, that's all it would need, he's a soft bugger is that man of mine.
What am I talking about, I'd be too scared to do it, I'm scared of pain don'tya know. Even more petrified of death, I'd love to die in my sleep that way I'd not know anything about it, has to be the best way that anyone could go to be honest, that's the way for me, none of this hanging, drowning, over-dosing (although if I went to sleep first that might work) for me.
I think I need an upgrade in medication to be honest, either that or I'm just going through a bad patch. Whatever it is I hope that it leaves me soon, I shouldn't be thinking like this when I have children.
It doesn't help that I am living in times where we are constantly worried about where money is coming from for this that and the other to be honest. Though, I'd be a LOT better off if I didn't have to give Simon £60 a month towards the damn electricity bill, £30 a month I could easily cope with. I might change it to that actually, that way I've got a better chance of being able to get the shopping at the end of the week. I don't know though, I don't want to put Simon in the shit because he needs his money (let's try and remember that half of that money AT LEAST!!! is supposed to be mine too!)
*stops complaining*
*shuts up*
*decides to bugger off to bed instead*
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