and then I am officially an old fart lol
11 I can't remember, 22 I was still having fun without children, 33 I'm now going to be old and past it and I bet I grow at least 10 more grey hairs to match my age. It's at this time of life where I feel old and it's not fair because my personality and characteristics are still that of a childish kid who pulls pranks on people, farts in yer face, asks you to pull my finger and then I fart when you do, or sees if they can say bollox whilst burping that's me, I'm not 33 years OLD.
They say you're as old as you feel, but that's debatable because although I'm a child at heart, my body is a knackered old woman who is about 80 odd, I look less agile than my Gramps, he's 84, I wish I was as frail as he was, I'd be thin then and not oh so fat.
I loves my Gramps I does, more than you could ever imagine, he is my world is my Gramps, we don't see each other that often and he never phones me any more, but I loves him incredibly muchly. I just wish I lived closer so I could visit him on a weekly basis. Every day that I DON'T see him I live another day of dread that it's going to be so long since I saw him, when he decides to quit his life on this planet. You know? I know I shouldn't feel like that but I am so scared of that day when he goes, I know it will be the end for me too, I don't think I'll cope, I have my children to think of but still, my Gramps... you wouldn't understand what is going around in my head right now, If I could I'd make him immortal, and I'd bring back my Nan too, just until I go that is, how incredibly selfish of me is that, but I just want them in my life for my whole life, I know I will most probably outlive my parents too, but I hope that I don't, I don't want to witness anymore death in my family, I just can't do it.
I spent all last night sobbing in tears because someone I knew from 5 years ago had died, although I knew him like a grandfather to me for about 6 years prior to that, the Anchor turned him against me though, told him and the next door neighbours that I was not looking after my children, that I had cheated on him and all sorts of stories came out of his lying decieving mouth. If he'd have not done that I wouldn't have raced to get my arse out of the house and move. I'd have waited til the last possible minute, which would have been 2005 when he disappeared off the face of the earth. BUT then I'd have had to witness knowing he'd died there and then, I'd have gone to visit him in hospital and known he was "dead" then and it would have broken my heart, so maybe things did turn out fot the better. For me that is.
I can't believe that hearing about his death has affected me so much, I am not sure how much is the actual incident, the fact that I started thinking about my Nan again last night or the fact that I just cannot deal with the idea of death right now, it scares me uncontrollably, I don't even know if I'm scared of dying myself, I think I'm more scared of losing everyone around me. I think that's more likely hit the nail on the head, I can't bear to lose anymore of my loved ones, I just can't bear it. I actually feel sick right now, the same way I felt with worrying about it all last night, or it might be hunger, I don't know.
Who chooses, what I want to know is, is it written in our DNA from the day we are created, how long we are meant to live, as in when we are MEANT to die, then of course there is a freak accident, but are they written into our lives to?
For instance, take my old mate Bill, he had his heart done in the summer it was the healthiest thing ever, no more angina anymore, no more risks, one fully working bostin Ticker... and then he goes and get's brain deaded in a car accident later that year, I mean, what was that about, surely fate would have been kinder to top him off in his heart op, than to kill him months later in a car accident, it's like "oops you didn't die then, lets try again".
I'm gutted, I still feel my tears welling up every time I think about it, it's just NOT FUCKIN FAIR!
It's the same as with my Nan, why was she taken then, on that day, walking innocently into town, and by such a sure way that she couldn't be saved by medical intervention too :(
then there's poor Jacqui, Richard's wife (nextdoor but one neighbours at old house) she suffered a heart attack too, I mean WHY? WHY, and WHO the fuck decides? She smoked yes (unless she quit, I don't know) and had the occasional tipple and worked hard and had a wonderful family, so WHY?
I had better change the subject before I spend the night falling asleep crying again.
Birth, now that's a miracle ain't it? How something so wonderful and beautiful and awe inspiring can come from a tadpole and an egg, and how everything is mapped out on that little strand of DNA and a beautifully wonderful little princess or prince can come out of that yuck lol rofl
My children are both beautiful and I love them to bits, even when Euan is having his tantrums I can see the real Euan in him, the Euan that is good and sweet and kind and would share his heart with you if you asked him to, literally, seriously he is so generous and kind. Then you have Bronny who is well behaved most of the time but then you have her having a flid, mouthing back at me, crying, my god does she have emotions, but she has a heart of gold, rather selfish but she is wonderful.
I still can't believe that I was mostly responsible for creating them, I mean it was my womb that looked after them and fed them and nourished them for 9 months of their lives, I don't think a man will EVER understand the bond between a Mother and her child because they have been inside her for 9 months nurturing and growing, but then again some women do not bond with their children, it breaks my heart to imagine not being able to love my child from day one, I didn't think it's possible really, but it is.
And then there is friends. Friends, real Friends are there for you no matter what, they love you more every day and they never judge you for anything. They are rocks, they are something to cling to when you need a hug, they are there whenever you need them and they always know what to say when you need something saying, that's the beauty of a real good friend, they know you so well they know what you are thinking most of the time. I haven't got a friend like that, the only person that is like that with me is Simon. I wish I had a REALLYREALLY close friend, someone that I can talk to about anything and everything whenever I want. I've never really had a friend that good. Awwww listen to me, woe is me eh?
If I'd have treated my friends better at school instead of going off in the bad crowd, then maybe one of them would still be a close friend now. Emma is my best mate but she doesn't really know me. It's not her fault though, she's very busy is our Emma.
*stops the self pity*
I'm sorry you lot, you must be wanting to slap me round the face now and tell me to shut up and behave and be thankful that I am alive and (reasonably) well.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hmm, well yes, it's my birthday on Saturday :) I have Christina and co. coming on Saturday (Simon's family) and then my parents coming on Sunday, I've asked Mum to get a gateaux or a pavlova or something for us to share for me birthday. :) mmmmmmm I can't wait :)
I said I wouldn't mind an itunes gift card if they haven't already got me something, which is quite cheeky really considering they start at £15 so that's like... Mum, Dad I want you to spend at least £15 on me oK? heheh they used to spend £20 as a budget on us all but I don't know if that is still the case, will have to see, at least I'll know on Sunday :)
Right... Simon wants to go to bed now so I shall shut up for the evening.
Happy reading fellow blogreaders and I hope that I have not depressed you too much.
xx
11 I can't remember, 22 I was still having fun without children, 33 I'm now going to be old and past it and I bet I grow at least 10 more grey hairs to match my age. It's at this time of life where I feel old and it's not fair because my personality and characteristics are still that of a childish kid who pulls pranks on people, farts in yer face, asks you to pull my finger and then I fart when you do, or sees if they can say bollox whilst burping that's me, I'm not 33 years OLD.
They say you're as old as you feel, but that's debatable because although I'm a child at heart, my body is a knackered old woman who is about 80 odd, I look less agile than my Gramps, he's 84, I wish I was as frail as he was, I'd be thin then and not oh so fat.
I loves my Gramps I does, more than you could ever imagine, he is my world is my Gramps, we don't see each other that often and he never phones me any more, but I loves him incredibly muchly. I just wish I lived closer so I could visit him on a weekly basis. Every day that I DON'T see him I live another day of dread that it's going to be so long since I saw him, when he decides to quit his life on this planet. You know? I know I shouldn't feel like that but I am so scared of that day when he goes, I know it will be the end for me too, I don't think I'll cope, I have my children to think of but still, my Gramps... you wouldn't understand what is going around in my head right now, If I could I'd make him immortal, and I'd bring back my Nan too, just until I go that is, how incredibly selfish of me is that, but I just want them in my life for my whole life, I know I will most probably outlive my parents too, but I hope that I don't, I don't want to witness anymore death in my family, I just can't do it.
I spent all last night sobbing in tears because someone I knew from 5 years ago had died, although I knew him like a grandfather to me for about 6 years prior to that, the Anchor turned him against me though, told him and the next door neighbours that I was not looking after my children, that I had cheated on him and all sorts of stories came out of his lying decieving mouth. If he'd have not done that I wouldn't have raced to get my arse out of the house and move. I'd have waited til the last possible minute, which would have been 2005 when he disappeared off the face of the earth. BUT then I'd have had to witness knowing he'd died there and then, I'd have gone to visit him in hospital and known he was "dead" then and it would have broken my heart, so maybe things did turn out fot the better. For me that is.
I can't believe that hearing about his death has affected me so much, I am not sure how much is the actual incident, the fact that I started thinking about my Nan again last night or the fact that I just cannot deal with the idea of death right now, it scares me uncontrollably, I don't even know if I'm scared of dying myself, I think I'm more scared of losing everyone around me. I think that's more likely hit the nail on the head, I can't bear to lose anymore of my loved ones, I just can't bear it. I actually feel sick right now, the same way I felt with worrying about it all last night, or it might be hunger, I don't know.
Who chooses, what I want to know is, is it written in our DNA from the day we are created, how long we are meant to live, as in when we are MEANT to die, then of course there is a freak accident, but are they written into our lives to?
For instance, take my old mate Bill, he had his heart done in the summer it was the healthiest thing ever, no more angina anymore, no more risks, one fully working bostin Ticker... and then he goes and get's brain deaded in a car accident later that year, I mean, what was that about, surely fate would have been kinder to top him off in his heart op, than to kill him months later in a car accident, it's like "oops you didn't die then, lets try again".
I'm gutted, I still feel my tears welling up every time I think about it, it's just NOT FUCKIN FAIR!
It's the same as with my Nan, why was she taken then, on that day, walking innocently into town, and by such a sure way that she couldn't be saved by medical intervention too :(
then there's poor Jacqui, Richard's wife (nextdoor but one neighbours at old house) she suffered a heart attack too, I mean WHY? WHY, and WHO the fuck decides? She smoked yes (unless she quit, I don't know) and had the occasional tipple and worked hard and had a wonderful family, so WHY?
I had better change the subject before I spend the night falling asleep crying again.
Birth, now that's a miracle ain't it? How something so wonderful and beautiful and awe inspiring can come from a tadpole and an egg, and how everything is mapped out on that little strand of DNA and a beautifully wonderful little princess or prince can come out of that yuck lol rofl
My children are both beautiful and I love them to bits, even when Euan is having his tantrums I can see the real Euan in him, the Euan that is good and sweet and kind and would share his heart with you if you asked him to, literally, seriously he is so generous and kind. Then you have Bronny who is well behaved most of the time but then you have her having a flid, mouthing back at me, crying, my god does she have emotions, but she has a heart of gold, rather selfish but she is wonderful.
I still can't believe that I was mostly responsible for creating them, I mean it was my womb that looked after them and fed them and nourished them for 9 months of their lives, I don't think a man will EVER understand the bond between a Mother and her child because they have been inside her for 9 months nurturing and growing, but then again some women do not bond with their children, it breaks my heart to imagine not being able to love my child from day one, I didn't think it's possible really, but it is.
And then there is friends. Friends, real Friends are there for you no matter what, they love you more every day and they never judge you for anything. They are rocks, they are something to cling to when you need a hug, they are there whenever you need them and they always know what to say when you need something saying, that's the beauty of a real good friend, they know you so well they know what you are thinking most of the time. I haven't got a friend like that, the only person that is like that with me is Simon. I wish I had a REALLYREALLY close friend, someone that I can talk to about anything and everything whenever I want. I've never really had a friend that good. Awwww listen to me, woe is me eh?
If I'd have treated my friends better at school instead of going off in the bad crowd, then maybe one of them would still be a close friend now. Emma is my best mate but she doesn't really know me. It's not her fault though, she's very busy is our Emma.
*stops the self pity*
I'm sorry you lot, you must be wanting to slap me round the face now and tell me to shut up and behave and be thankful that I am alive and (reasonably) well.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hmm, well yes, it's my birthday on Saturday :) I have Christina and co. coming on Saturday (Simon's family) and then my parents coming on Sunday, I've asked Mum to get a gateaux or a pavlova or something for us to share for me birthday. :) mmmmmmm I can't wait :)
I said I wouldn't mind an itunes gift card if they haven't already got me something, which is quite cheeky really considering they start at £15 so that's like... Mum, Dad I want you to spend at least £15 on me oK? heheh they used to spend £20 as a budget on us all but I don't know if that is still the case, will have to see, at least I'll know on Sunday :)
Right... Simon wants to go to bed now so I shall shut up for the evening.
Happy reading fellow blogreaders and I hope that I have not depressed you too much.
xx
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