Well helloooooooooooo :) how are we all today? Ooops sorry I'm not doing the dailies lol
Bad night again kept waking up with the side that I was lying on going numb and hurting too so I'd swap sides and then the other side would hurt, and when I lay on my back both arms went numb ? that hasn't happened before :(
When the children went to school I started with the Christmas Tree, because there was no way I was going to get it done myself Simon took over, now that is a first ever since I left home the tradition has been that I do the tree, myself and on my own with no assistance whatsoever heheh. So that is 12 years of tradition changed because I was not capable of doing it myself. I guess that some traditions have to lay buried in the past though, I think that Simon has itched to do the Christmas tree ever since we've been together and I've always done it myself rofl I think the new tradition will be that Simon does it, at least until I am better anywho.
Simon went to withdraw some of the rent from the cashpoint today, we always withdraw it in stages because we can't get £550 in one go obviously. Some people are allowed more than 250 on their cards, but not moi. I thought he was off out shopping for containers for new spiders too but he wasn't he literally went just to get the money.
I spent most of today in bed sleeping in one hour intervals, I needed a pee twice which woke me up! heheh I dreamt in one of the dreams that I went back to work for TNT doing the same thing of an evening but obviously a lot better with being completely healthy again (well, in the dream I was) and I ended up being the shift supervisor, I am not quite sure how but there you go, I was.
I'm trying to get bloggy done soon so that I can have a REALLY early night for me, switch off lappy, have a couple of games on the DS of the new puzzler I have bought and then switch that off too for a good night sleep. My chances of that are remote considering it's already gone 10pm heh
Bronny and Euan had their attention as usual this evening, as per usual Euan's time ran into Bronny's time and Bronny ended up going to bed as late as 830pm *rolls eyes* I really must sort it out so that they go at their proper times which is 7.30 settled ready to sleep for Euan and 8pm for Bronny. Would give me a little bit more time to myself between them going and me going to bed too heheh
I don't think I've eaten anything substantial today, with sleeping for most of the day I've not needed to eat, yet I am hungry now which is too late to eat so I'll have to satisfy my hunger with a satsuma or a drink. I have stopped eating through schedule and/or habit now and just eat when I am hungry, that is how I'm losing weight, it's what works for me so I won't have anyone tell me otherwise. I don't need to eat to diet I'm doing pretty good as it is :) ( I know I'm totally in the wrong but I doesn't care :P)
Jane asked me how I was tonight, I gave the response of OK thanks or something like that.
How do you tell someone that you are so mixed up with emotions at the moment that you don't know your arse from your head (look pretty much the same too) I'm happy that I'm finally getting some answers yet I am gutted that I still COULD be like this for the rest of my life, Simon took the liberty of reading the UKFM website because I hadn't told him what the responses were, most of them were positive that if I respond well to treatment I could eventually lead a normal life. BUT that is if I respond to treatment, if I don't then I have to get used to this crappy lifestyle that we lead.
What Simon is worried about is him, whether he will have to go out to work, carless to look for a job basically. If I become so much better that I do not need Simon as my carer for instance, then he will have to go out and look for a job. If I become more mobile so I cannot claim mobility allowance anymore, we lose the mobility car. It's things like that he is thinking about, I know those things affect all of us in the long run but I honestly think he's thinking "what about me" to be honest I might be thinking those things too if I were not the poorly person and if I'd be having to look for a well paid job that covered the rent and living expenses.
Then there's been the pain I've been in lately, the not one part of my body apart from hair not hurting scenario, in fact I don't think my fairy or my bum has hurt rofl :$ *blushes*
===================================================================
I wake up when the alarm goes off, my arm hurts stretching out to switch it to snooze, I get out of the position I was asleep in and get instant waves of pain from my neck to my toes, I take 30 minutes to get to the stage where I'm ready to get up, having gone back to sleep during that time, I pull myself up, more pain waves through my body, my feet touch the floor, they hurt this morning again then eh? my knees and hips scream that they're on strike but I force them to move, then I realise that I left my spine in bed, or that is how it feels, I rub my back into action, take my morning meds and stand up SHOLY HITE does that hurt my feet, the balls, the arches and the heels all scream in succession "get the fuck off me!" then walking, my god who took my knees and hips away and gave me graters instead, it feels as though every movement is scraping away cartilage and as though monkeys are twanging on my ligaments and tendons. I have made it out of bed! woo hoo..
I start towards the stairs, dreading every step, yes, my knees don't want to play stairs, the pain shoots through them so bad that each leg I put down gives way trying to save my knee from the pain, I finally get to the bottom of the stairs and I realise I left my hips up the top, never mind I'll get them later on .
I hobble towards the fridge, slowly ever so slowly, body will wake up soon, honestly. I open the fridge door and I grab for the milk, holy shit who made it so heavy? It hurts so much to lift it out of the fridge, but why it's only milk for heaven sake. I lift it to pour it into my mug and want to cry out the pain is so bad, why is it so painful to move my arms? I didn't over use them yesterday? Kettle weighs a ton with only one cup of water in it, again my arm screams with pain and tells me please do not do that again. Or was it more like pleading?
I batter my arms to the point of no return once more, is it once more? By making the children their breakfast, have you tried to obtain bread from a bag when your fingers belong to someone else, I keep grabbing and grabbing for the slices but they are not coming out of that damn bag, I realise that I'm not even grabbing at them I'm missing them by a Country Mile. Once the war that is breakfast is over I hobble aching with severe pain in my spine, back to the lounge.
I sit down on the sofa with a wumf, I'm never going to stand up again! My spine is still hurting as I'm not getting much support to sit upright, I need straps around my body to hold me up. My arse becomes numb within minutes of sitting down, I try to lift myself to adjust my sitting position and again my arms scream out and ask me why I hate them so?
I'm good, I can at least rest my legs until it's time to see the children off, then Oh no I have to get up, screams of pain shooting through my entire body, the feet to the neck telling me to go away and buy a new body and leave them to sleep eternally. I bend over to kiss and hug them, the waves of water rush around in my head and make me so dizzy, since when have we lived on a ship? My back creaks and screams with agony, DON'T BEND ME it says screaming louder and louder til it catches my breath, the children hug me back, it's worth it after all. A brief kiss and they are on their way. Then I have to manipulate my already sore and aching limbs into some sort of a wave to see them off through the window.
My job is done, I climb the stairs arm on banister screaming at me for lifting it once more, my hips, knees, ankles, feet, shins, calves, thighs and buttocks all screaming and shouting at me on the way upstairs, it's not the muscles though, it's something else, I can't quite describe where the pain is coming from, it's almost the joints but not quite there.
I reach the bedroom after my entire body has threatened to stop working all together, go on strike, pretend that it doesn't exist. I clamber onto the bed, go on lappy for a while, pain gets the better of me so I lie down, that's me done for the day. The evening is a repeat of the morning but with extra pain because I have to cook dinner too instead of just sitting down making sure the kids get to school on time.
You wanted the truth. It's there.
Unfortunately with no exaggeration or dramatisation.
=============================================================
Well, I think that I have blogged enough for tonight now. I'm offski.
Love and stuff.
Carol
xx
Bad night again kept waking up with the side that I was lying on going numb and hurting too so I'd swap sides and then the other side would hurt, and when I lay on my back both arms went numb ? that hasn't happened before :(
When the children went to school I started with the Christmas Tree, because there was no way I was going to get it done myself Simon took over, now that is a first ever since I left home the tradition has been that I do the tree, myself and on my own with no assistance whatsoever heheh. So that is 12 years of tradition changed because I was not capable of doing it myself. I guess that some traditions have to lay buried in the past though, I think that Simon has itched to do the Christmas tree ever since we've been together and I've always done it myself rofl I think the new tradition will be that Simon does it, at least until I am better anywho.
Simon went to withdraw some of the rent from the cashpoint today, we always withdraw it in stages because we can't get £550 in one go obviously. Some people are allowed more than 250 on their cards, but not moi. I thought he was off out shopping for containers for new spiders too but he wasn't he literally went just to get the money.
I spent most of today in bed sleeping in one hour intervals, I needed a pee twice which woke me up! heheh I dreamt in one of the dreams that I went back to work for TNT doing the same thing of an evening but obviously a lot better with being completely healthy again (well, in the dream I was) and I ended up being the shift supervisor, I am not quite sure how but there you go, I was.
I'm trying to get bloggy done soon so that I can have a REALLY early night for me, switch off lappy, have a couple of games on the DS of the new puzzler I have bought and then switch that off too for a good night sleep. My chances of that are remote considering it's already gone 10pm heh
Bronny and Euan had their attention as usual this evening, as per usual Euan's time ran into Bronny's time and Bronny ended up going to bed as late as 830pm *rolls eyes* I really must sort it out so that they go at their proper times which is 7.30 settled ready to sleep for Euan and 8pm for Bronny. Would give me a little bit more time to myself between them going and me going to bed too heheh
I don't think I've eaten anything substantial today, with sleeping for most of the day I've not needed to eat, yet I am hungry now which is too late to eat so I'll have to satisfy my hunger with a satsuma or a drink. I have stopped eating through schedule and/or habit now and just eat when I am hungry, that is how I'm losing weight, it's what works for me so I won't have anyone tell me otherwise. I don't need to eat to diet I'm doing pretty good as it is :) ( I know I'm totally in the wrong but I doesn't care :P)
Jane asked me how I was tonight, I gave the response of OK thanks or something like that.
How do you tell someone that you are so mixed up with emotions at the moment that you don't know your arse from your head (look pretty much the same too) I'm happy that I'm finally getting some answers yet I am gutted that I still COULD be like this for the rest of my life, Simon took the liberty of reading the UKFM website because I hadn't told him what the responses were, most of them were positive that if I respond well to treatment I could eventually lead a normal life. BUT that is if I respond to treatment, if I don't then I have to get used to this crappy lifestyle that we lead.
What Simon is worried about is him, whether he will have to go out to work, carless to look for a job basically. If I become so much better that I do not need Simon as my carer for instance, then he will have to go out and look for a job. If I become more mobile so I cannot claim mobility allowance anymore, we lose the mobility car. It's things like that he is thinking about, I know those things affect all of us in the long run but I honestly think he's thinking "what about me" to be honest I might be thinking those things too if I were not the poorly person and if I'd be having to look for a well paid job that covered the rent and living expenses.
Then there's been the pain I've been in lately, the not one part of my body apart from hair not hurting scenario, in fact I don't think my fairy or my bum has hurt rofl :$ *blushes*
===================================================================
I wake up when the alarm goes off, my arm hurts stretching out to switch it to snooze, I get out of the position I was asleep in and get instant waves of pain from my neck to my toes, I take 30 minutes to get to the stage where I'm ready to get up, having gone back to sleep during that time, I pull myself up, more pain waves through my body, my feet touch the floor, they hurt this morning again then eh? my knees and hips scream that they're on strike but I force them to move, then I realise that I left my spine in bed, or that is how it feels, I rub my back into action, take my morning meds and stand up SHOLY HITE does that hurt my feet, the balls, the arches and the heels all scream in succession "get the fuck off me!" then walking, my god who took my knees and hips away and gave me graters instead, it feels as though every movement is scraping away cartilage and as though monkeys are twanging on my ligaments and tendons. I have made it out of bed! woo hoo..
I start towards the stairs, dreading every step, yes, my knees don't want to play stairs, the pain shoots through them so bad that each leg I put down gives way trying to save my knee from the pain, I finally get to the bottom of the stairs and I realise I left my hips up the top, never mind I'll get them later on .
I hobble towards the fridge, slowly ever so slowly, body will wake up soon, honestly. I open the fridge door and I grab for the milk, holy shit who made it so heavy? It hurts so much to lift it out of the fridge, but why it's only milk for heaven sake. I lift it to pour it into my mug and want to cry out the pain is so bad, why is it so painful to move my arms? I didn't over use them yesterday? Kettle weighs a ton with only one cup of water in it, again my arm screams with pain and tells me please do not do that again. Or was it more like pleading?
I batter my arms to the point of no return once more, is it once more? By making the children their breakfast, have you tried to obtain bread from a bag when your fingers belong to someone else, I keep grabbing and grabbing for the slices but they are not coming out of that damn bag, I realise that I'm not even grabbing at them I'm missing them by a Country Mile. Once the war that is breakfast is over I hobble aching with severe pain in my spine, back to the lounge.
I sit down on the sofa with a wumf, I'm never going to stand up again! My spine is still hurting as I'm not getting much support to sit upright, I need straps around my body to hold me up. My arse becomes numb within minutes of sitting down, I try to lift myself to adjust my sitting position and again my arms scream out and ask me why I hate them so?
I'm good, I can at least rest my legs until it's time to see the children off, then Oh no I have to get up, screams of pain shooting through my entire body, the feet to the neck telling me to go away and buy a new body and leave them to sleep eternally. I bend over to kiss and hug them, the waves of water rush around in my head and make me so dizzy, since when have we lived on a ship? My back creaks and screams with agony, DON'T BEND ME it says screaming louder and louder til it catches my breath, the children hug me back, it's worth it after all. A brief kiss and they are on their way. Then I have to manipulate my already sore and aching limbs into some sort of a wave to see them off through the window.
My job is done, I climb the stairs arm on banister screaming at me for lifting it once more, my hips, knees, ankles, feet, shins, calves, thighs and buttocks all screaming and shouting at me on the way upstairs, it's not the muscles though, it's something else, I can't quite describe where the pain is coming from, it's almost the joints but not quite there.
I reach the bedroom after my entire body has threatened to stop working all together, go on strike, pretend that it doesn't exist. I clamber onto the bed, go on lappy for a while, pain gets the better of me so I lie down, that's me done for the day. The evening is a repeat of the morning but with extra pain because I have to cook dinner too instead of just sitting down making sure the kids get to school on time.
You wanted the truth. It's there.
Unfortunately with no exaggeration or dramatisation.
=============================================================
Well, I think that I have blogged enough for tonight now. I'm offski.
Love and stuff.
Carol
xx
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