15 Sleeps!

Eeeeek

Not done ANY Christmas Shopping yet, got no money till next Thursday (week tomorrow) which is the day that they break up! So we literally have about 3 hours to complete the Shopping in time to get home and hide it all ready to wrap it all for Christmas.

I am excited about Christmas this year so the days are going slower than last year when I didn't particularly care about it :S I quite often feel lethargic and dull towards Christmas, I do not know why, I think it's because all of the traditions that I am so used to for so many years have all gone, and I'm a stickler for tradition and I cannot abide or cope with changes to my life, cannot do them at all.

I still want the traditional Christmases of yesteryear when we used to alternate on Boxing Day going to Uncle Len & Aunty Wendy's or Uncle Len & Aunty Wendy coming to us. I think when she died it stopped that tradition, not that I blame her in the slightest I was just explaining.

I can't cope with people dying either, I still haven't and don't think I ever will come to terms with my Nan's death, I just cannot bring myself to think about it in a logical way, then when I try and think about it I end up having nightmares that she was alive when they cremated her and she was struggling to get out, then all of a sudden I was in the coffin trying to get out. Then, well then it was her again and I was trying to scream and shout at everyone that she was alive, but noone would listen to me. :(

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That day I went to meet my Nan in town, was supposed to be meeting her at the house but was too lazy to get up so arranged to meet her in town instead. I keep telling myself now that if I hadn't been so lazy I would have noticed something not right with Nan and insisted we either didn't go into town or we took a taxi in. :( I don't think that ANYTHING I could have changed would have made a difference that fateful day. The day after Grandad's birthday so thankfully she'd been out and had a lovely day the day before.

When she never turned up I started to panic, I knew that something was wrong, I could feel it. I rode (motorbike) to Gramps house, he wasn't there nextdoor neighbour said a copper had taken him away, so I went to the police station, the police station were not allowed to tell me what had happened, I rode to the hospital 16 miles away, they told me that I had better go home and be with my Gramps... they couldn't tell me what was wrong. I knew, I knew then that my Nan was in their morgue, if I wasn't allowed to see her, then she must be dead. I cried all the way to my Gramps house, crying and stressing all the way whilst riding my motorbike at breakneck speed. (as fast as it would go anyway) I got to my Grandad's house, there was a neighbour there, they left me with Gramps, he told me, I collapsed.

That day was most possibly one of, if not THE worst day of my life.

To this day I try to stop myself arguing that if I was there I would have done this, done that, she's not have died. To be honest, if you're going to go, you're going to go. She dropped dead instantly, even the ambulance that was driving past at the time didn't have time to save her, she was gone. Ruptured aorta it was, so really not much anyone could have done, she'd have died in hospital before they could save her if she was already in hospital so I'm told.

My Nan was the world and my Mother to me, she was everything and I idolised her, I loved her so much, I neglected her when I met "him" because he kept me busy at weekends when I should have been seeing my Nan on a weekly basis. I wish that she'd have waited another couple of years to see my kids my kids would be truly honestly blessed by having her in their life.

I just thought of another dream about my Nan, it was a really nice dream to have and I never wanted it to end BUT it was so cruel and harsh in reality. You see I dreamed that my Nan hadn't really died, it was all a big cock up, there she was at their house being her amazing self and I spend the whole day being her Grandaughter again :) It was the most lovely dream but when I did wake up, I thought it was true, I wasn't sure whether it was or not, whether I had just dreamed it all, or whether it was true :( I felt empty and alone when I realised it was a dream, but then I thanked my Nan for visiting my dream.

To this day I honestly believe that she did visit that dream. :) I think she was trying to tell me ehat she'll always be with me, and only most prominent in my dreams even if I don't physically see her, I'll know that she's there. :)