being sick :S

Well, I know where I stand now lol I shouldn't laugh, it's a serious subject though, Charlene, Kezz and Vikki were telling me off and trying to get me to see sense tonight, I was talking about trying to get over my fear of being sick and trying to be sick to lose some weight or at least not gain any more. One thing Charlene said made me laugh, about the bad breath and rotten teeth? I know I have bad breath and I have most probably got rotten teeth too (hence the bad breath) considering I don't clean my teeth. I'm not a scutter, I cannot stand the feeling of a toothbrush in my mouth, it makes me gag really bad, and obviously gagging quite often produces sick if there is food to be sicked up and I am absolutely shit scared of being sick, seriously you wouldn't begin to believe or understand how scared about being sick I am, I nearly kill myself whilst being sick because my panic attack is so bad that I cannot breath, I cannot see, it's horrible, everything just goes black and I want to die at that moment.

So yeah, a vicious circle really, I don't even know why I mentioned it again, it's just well, if I didn't have the phobia of being sick, I might consider it as a way to lose weight? I'm not talking a quick fix, I am talking I can't starve myself as I don't have enough will power to control my cravings for carbohydrates for that, but perhaps when I am having my carb eating binge, if I could void it straight away then I'd not have to worry about it building up? :S I'm a twat I know, but yeah, I have these thoughts regardless of being told off for them.

I promise I won't DO anything though guys, so there is no need to tell Simon? (you know who I mean) I will behave and not do anything about those thoughts, they can just get locked away in the back of my stupid head.