I was just thinking about how much I think I am enjoying my relaxing days and giving the children something to do at the same time, but then I realised that I am missing so many of my friends, I hoped to see Charlene on MSN tonight but she didn't log in, maybe she is too busy at Chez Charlene, I don't know, perhaps she's had a stressful day and opted to have an early night? I hope not for her sake.
I kinda hate Tuesdays, when I'm called away by CSI so end up being away for the last hour of Jane's online time, and Clarebear's too, Lisa's too so it seems, but oh how I love my CSI and wouldn't be without it!
I need more hours between the children going to bed and my friends going offline, the only way I could achieve that is put them to bed earlier, but as Bronny is already protesting about their joint 7:30 bedtime every night I don't really have much chance of doing that... not that I would anyway rofl
I'm not sure what to do about that to be honest, whether I SHOULD be forcing Euan to bed 30 minutes before Bronny because she is 9 now and he is only 6, it seems unfair that Bronny should have to go to bed at the same time, I distinctly remember after a certain age our bedtime would go up half an hour every birthday until it reached 9pm... but if you work on that, the children will be going to bed the same time as me some nights, I'll have to have a chat with my Mum and see what she thinks is the best way around it. Bronny whines like nobody's business that she is not going to bed at 8, 8.30 already because all her friends go at around that time. I really should consider putting her to bed later, it's better than it was though, it used to be 6:30 then 7 and now 7:30, BUT they are still going at the same time, maybe a 15 minute slot with all the messing about and talk time they get, by the time I've got round to settling Bronny down it's at least 15 minutes after Euan anyway.. but I really cannot see him going up to bed before Bronny, it just wouldn't work, he just would not do it, and Bronny wouldn't stay downstairs on her own either. *rolls eyes*
I roll my eyes a lot on these blogs *rolls...* rofl oh! I have to scan a picture in tomorrow that the children have done for me, it's absolutely beautiful and brought a tear to my eye, bless their socks :)
Oh I just had the "horrible-ist" thought ever, I just wondered what Simon would do with the picture and the rest of my belongings should I be dead, like not wake up in the morning. ewwwwwww gruesome thought.
Do you ever contemplate what would happen to all your loved ones when you shall pass? I constantly wonder if my Brother who has disowned me at present, whether or not he would be upset at all... If I died.. you know? Then there's wondering how my parents would take it, because I am the middle unwanted kid anyway, the boring one that shouldn't have been, I should have been a boy and so therefore I shouldn't have been me sort of thing... I wonder how they would feel if they had a phonecall from Simon telling them that I had died... what about Clare, my Sister, she hardly ever talks to me, I spoke to her on the phone momentarily the other day and I felt so god damn awkward speaking to her, like she was a complete stranger? Well she is now, she doesn't know me and I don't know her, same with the kids, they have no idea who I am on the phone and are not capable of keeping a conversation up with me... it's like there is no feeling there? Like I'm just a nobody? So... how would she feel... should I die by morning.
Then there's considering how the internet world would feel, well they'd only know if they were members of TN and Simon logged in and said "Carol passed away this morning in her sleep" or something, do you think he would do that? Contemplate letting everyone on the forum know? Would he bother? He knows so many of you are good friends... it's just whether he would think about it at the time, I don't know how his mind would work. If he did there would be the question of how many of you would be remotely upset? I wonder how many of you would talk to me if I was just a member of TN and not the boss *has just remembered she didn't do the forum backups today ARRGGGHHHH* *makes note to do it tomorrow*
Then I think about how my beautiful precious children would cope, would they be strong and carry on or would they be emotional messes and require special help to get them back on their feet. I don't know how they'd feel actually... nor do I know who they would go to, should I die? I am the only legal parent and legal guardian at the moment, so... if I died would Simon have to apply for custody from "him", would he want the kids himself, would he just hand them over like objects because he now has his own family? I have no idea.. He'd probably say that Si couldn't have them just to spite him and then dump them with foster parents or get them adopted or something...
I'm in tears here thinking of this, it's ripping me apart, but I have to think about it, I have to think what would happen to my children should I die. IF there is feeling after death, I would miss Simon terribly but I would miss my children so god damn much that I'd want to be dead dead, as in nothing, black hole emptiness.
What happens to us when we die? Is our life on this planet in a body all we were destined for, or is there more instore for us, is death really only the beginning like was written once? If so, what is life after death like? Has anyone ever been there and come back, as in died but was brought back round. Is that where people who are in coma's go? Do their souls temporarily delve into the life after death but be there like watching a film, so you can't interact but you can go places, see people and stuff, but they don't know you're there?
Do we really meet the souls of our animals at the end or are we destined for separate places... if animals come with humans then where is the control to make sure a savage beast cannot come into the same place and eat us all up bit by bit, slowly whilst cooking another one on a turning spit above a nice warm open fire... do the flames of a fire really show shapes and images to those who look carefully? Does everything that WE don't know about have a conscience?
What a world we live in, plenty of questions from I as I wander aimlessly along the path of ramblement, I never intended to become this fanciful tonight but I enjoyed it, I enjoyed delving into my mind and my imagination again, if only I could talk pictures so you would get the image of what everything I was thinking about was like... but maybe it's better that I cannot, so it makes your conscience and mind work harder and make pictures out of my text and imagine what life would be like yourself...
scuse me, I need the toilet.
rofl *is now in bed on DS* what a magical mystery tour I have taken us on tonight, I think any "Dear diary" blog out there woud look whingy and weak compared to tonights' ramblings.
Speaking of ramble, how is it different to an amble? geesh I'm so cold tonight, lol I missed th c off the front first time round lol that sounds so right too. Though saying that, I've not felt old for quite some time, ill but not old, there is a difference, I know.
Hamsters are running around making lots of noise tonight. naughty lil buggers .
That's it from me, I'm falling sleep.
Ni ni
Over and Out.
x
I kinda hate Tuesdays, when I'm called away by CSI so end up being away for the last hour of Jane's online time, and Clarebear's too, Lisa's too so it seems, but oh how I love my CSI and wouldn't be without it!
I need more hours between the children going to bed and my friends going offline, the only way I could achieve that is put them to bed earlier, but as Bronny is already protesting about their joint 7:30 bedtime every night I don't really have much chance of doing that... not that I would anyway rofl
I'm not sure what to do about that to be honest, whether I SHOULD be forcing Euan to bed 30 minutes before Bronny because she is 9 now and he is only 6, it seems unfair that Bronny should have to go to bed at the same time, I distinctly remember after a certain age our bedtime would go up half an hour every birthday until it reached 9pm... but if you work on that, the children will be going to bed the same time as me some nights, I'll have to have a chat with my Mum and see what she thinks is the best way around it. Bronny whines like nobody's business that she is not going to bed at 8, 8.30 already because all her friends go at around that time. I really should consider putting her to bed later, it's better than it was though, it used to be 6:30 then 7 and now 7:30, BUT they are still going at the same time, maybe a 15 minute slot with all the messing about and talk time they get, by the time I've got round to settling Bronny down it's at least 15 minutes after Euan anyway.. but I really cannot see him going up to bed before Bronny, it just wouldn't work, he just would not do it, and Bronny wouldn't stay downstairs on her own either. *rolls eyes*
I roll my eyes a lot on these blogs *rolls...* rofl oh! I have to scan a picture in tomorrow that the children have done for me, it's absolutely beautiful and brought a tear to my eye, bless their socks :)
Oh I just had the "horrible-ist" thought ever, I just wondered what Simon would do with the picture and the rest of my belongings should I be dead, like not wake up in the morning. ewwwwwww gruesome thought.
Do you ever contemplate what would happen to all your loved ones when you shall pass? I constantly wonder if my Brother who has disowned me at present, whether or not he would be upset at all... If I died.. you know? Then there's wondering how my parents would take it, because I am the middle unwanted kid anyway, the boring one that shouldn't have been, I should have been a boy and so therefore I shouldn't have been me sort of thing... I wonder how they would feel if they had a phonecall from Simon telling them that I had died... what about Clare, my Sister, she hardly ever talks to me, I spoke to her on the phone momentarily the other day and I felt so god damn awkward speaking to her, like she was a complete stranger? Well she is now, she doesn't know me and I don't know her, same with the kids, they have no idea who I am on the phone and are not capable of keeping a conversation up with me... it's like there is no feeling there? Like I'm just a nobody? So... how would she feel... should I die by morning.
Then there's considering how the internet world would feel, well they'd only know if they were members of TN and Simon logged in and said "Carol passed away this morning in her sleep" or something, do you think he would do that? Contemplate letting everyone on the forum know? Would he bother? He knows so many of you are good friends... it's just whether he would think about it at the time, I don't know how his mind would work. If he did there would be the question of how many of you would be remotely upset? I wonder how many of you would talk to me if I was just a member of TN and not the boss *has just remembered she didn't do the forum backups today ARRGGGHHHH* *makes note to do it tomorrow*
Then I think about how my beautiful precious children would cope, would they be strong and carry on or would they be emotional messes and require special help to get them back on their feet. I don't know how they'd feel actually... nor do I know who they would go to, should I die? I am the only legal parent and legal guardian at the moment, so... if I died would Simon have to apply for custody from "him", would he want the kids himself, would he just hand them over like objects because he now has his own family? I have no idea.. He'd probably say that Si couldn't have them just to spite him and then dump them with foster parents or get them adopted or something...
I'm in tears here thinking of this, it's ripping me apart, but I have to think about it, I have to think what would happen to my children should I die. IF there is feeling after death, I would miss Simon terribly but I would miss my children so god damn much that I'd want to be dead dead, as in nothing, black hole emptiness.
What happens to us when we die? Is our life on this planet in a body all we were destined for, or is there more instore for us, is death really only the beginning like was written once? If so, what is life after death like? Has anyone ever been there and come back, as in died but was brought back round. Is that where people who are in coma's go? Do their souls temporarily delve into the life after death but be there like watching a film, so you can't interact but you can go places, see people and stuff, but they don't know you're there?
Do we really meet the souls of our animals at the end or are we destined for separate places... if animals come with humans then where is the control to make sure a savage beast cannot come into the same place and eat us all up bit by bit, slowly whilst cooking another one on a turning spit above a nice warm open fire... do the flames of a fire really show shapes and images to those who look carefully? Does everything that WE don't know about have a conscience?
What a world we live in, plenty of questions from I as I wander aimlessly along the path of ramblement, I never intended to become this fanciful tonight but I enjoyed it, I enjoyed delving into my mind and my imagination again, if only I could talk pictures so you would get the image of what everything I was thinking about was like... but maybe it's better that I cannot, so it makes your conscience and mind work harder and make pictures out of my text and imagine what life would be like yourself...
scuse me, I need the toilet.
rofl *is now in bed on DS* what a magical mystery tour I have taken us on tonight, I think any "Dear diary" blog out there woud look whingy and weak compared to tonights' ramblings.
Speaking of ramble, how is it different to an amble? geesh I'm so cold tonight, lol I missed th c off the front first time round lol that sounds so right too. Though saying that, I've not felt old for quite some time, ill but not old, there is a difference, I know.
Hamsters are running around making lots of noise tonight. naughty lil buggers .
That's it from me, I'm falling sleep.
Ni ni
Over and Out.
x
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1 comment:
I've thought about the similar thing too, if I died I'd have to let forum members know where I am and where I would put my passwords etc. Not sure why I was thinking that.
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