Euan was a little crap this morning, it was a constant fight to get him to do ANYTHING this morning, it all started because he wanted sandwiches at school because the new boy in the class, who is his friend is sandwiches and he wants to sit next to him. I wish they wouldn't segregate dinners and sandwiches it creates rifts and forces children to be in a certain "group" which is not what they should be learning to do so young. It's bad enough when you get clicky "we're the best" groups at Secondary School, I can distinctly remember them.
Had I known back then that children of deprived families can have free school meals I would have took the piss out of the snobs who boasted about eating school dinners on a daily basis. Why were my parents "inbetween" why was I always so f|_|cking in between with everything in life? I never "Belonged" I was always an inbetweeny type of person, I still feel that way now. Life is all about "being in the group" either the rich bitch group or the skint bint group, I am actually in the skint bint group now, but we were not growing up.
Mum and Dad never had much money but they had just a bit too much money to qualify for the benefits from school and college, which really pissed me off because although according to the government they were well off, they were not, they scraped by just like every benefit person, in fact being on benefits puts you slightly above the honest working but literally skint group because unfortunately we pick up more money.
When I was working part time at TNT and picking up around about £200 a week for a mere 25 hours, I was earning more than my Dad does in a week. My Dad is 57 this year and he works damn hard, five days a week 9-5 slugging his brain out, for a mere pay packet, all so that my Mum can sit at home and do what she wants, yes she has rheumatoid and osteo arthritis but so do other people, my Gramps is completely crippled with Osteo yet he still walks into town and back on a weekly basis.
Saying that, Mum and Dad never seemed to be earning much, but they always made us proud at Christmas time, they always gave us the presents we'd been nagging for throughout the year.
I still to this day feel guilty for selling that Amiga 1200 that Mum and Dad were still paying for :( I just wanted a few pounds and didn't care that I was breaking their hearts. :( I hate myself for that, to this day I hate myself for being so god damn selfish and not seeing the heartache in my parents' eyes when I boasted that he was going to purchase it off me. :( Such a selfish bitch.
I am sure there has been many other a time where I have ignored the heartache in my parents' eyes. Bless them, they worked their socks off, Dad especially, and I gave them nothing back, I whined like a bitch at the fact that I had to clean the house and cook dinner ready for Mum to come home, I didn't see why I had to do everything.
My lazy cow of a sister was sitting there watching tv all day and having friends round and being a general crap whilst I cleaned up around them. I was going to school all day, working on GCSE level work, then coming home to a list of chores and knowing that I had to cook dinner, whilst my sister was sitting on her ass on the dole doing nothing all day but messing the house up, her dishes always sitting waiting for me to wash up when I got home because she was so damn selfish and lazy about it.
No wonder I rebelled, are you not surprised Mum and Dad, when I crack and couldn't give a crap anymore about your poxy rules and lists? You shouldn't have been.
I wish I never went down that bad path and started rebelling all the time, but I swear I was pushed into it, they made me do it, it wasn't my choice, I was pushed into it by my parents who never seemed to care about me, they were all for their Darling Princess Clare and their Wonderful only Son David, no love for me it seemed. No wonder I went to look for attention elsewhere. I didn't care how I got it, I just wanted it.
Looking back I still never did get the attention of the gang, I was still always sitting in her shadow, she was miss almighty beautiful and the most popular in the world, and I was just "her mate" I tried to show that I was just as good as her, but no-one was interested in me, I was just "one of the lads" she was the beauty of the gang, and didn't she just know it, skinny boney cow, how could anyone fancy her, she's that thin and ill that she's barely got any breasts for heaven sake. No, they all thought she was beautiful, so there be it. She claimed to be anorexic yet she enjoyed her food, she would eat a huge Sunday roast on a Sunday (no, really, on a Sunday?) yet only eat grapes when in front of the gang.
I didn't eat much I was a size 10 but everyone called me fat, of course I looked fat standing next to a girl whose size 6 clothes were falling off her. That's the smallest clothing they would do back then, kids clothes or size 6 adults. She was too tall for kids clothes.
She had everything she wanted and more, she would ask ask ask and she would get get get. It used to make me sick, why was she so special? She was their only daughter that's why she was so special. I idolised her parents, they were so much nicer than my parents, in every way, they even gave me more attention than my parents did, or so it felt.
I spent every weekend sleeping over at her house, from Friday night until Sunday afternoon when I'd go home bored because I had to be in by tea time even though I had already eaten a big Sunday dinner at the lunchtime, I had to eat another one in the evening back at home. No wonder I could never drop below size 10. My sister was a rake, she was a mere 3 1/2 stone when she started Secondary School, aged 11. My son is already more than that aged 6.
I was fat ugly and adopted. That's what my Brother and Sister would say all the time, even up until when I had the children, I was fat and ugly and adopted, they knew that it affected me, so they would tease me so. I began to believe the adopted bit, I already knew that I was fat and ugly, I was just a fat and ugly child that never properly fit in anywhere.
Up until Year 3 I kinda got in with the "Swots" I wasn't a swot but I did my work and worked hard and didn't do anything untoward, I went to my Nan's for lunch Monday, Wed-Fri and she would make my cheese sandwiches look like something interesting, she'd give me scrambled egg or spaghetti to eat with them, often she'd just feed them to the birds and give me something nice to eat, or she'd toast them for me and make them yummy. I had cheese sandwiches for lunch EVERY SINGLE BLEEDING DAY when I was at school, I can't believe I ever had so much cheese, cheap ham didn't exist back in those days, it was cheese, cheese, cheese or cheese to eat. *yawns* am I boring you yet? I still think that those cheese sarnies kept my weight on, no wonder I never dropped... I've diverged AGAIN lol I wasn't a swot but I had the friendship of the swots and that was something, I almost fit in somewhere, I never did understand their sheer determination to have really neat handwriting or to have their work so damn perfect to the T. but they were my friends. I tried, heaven knows I tried but I just wasn't swot material, the rebel in me was too overbearing.
It was Year 3 that everything went pear shaped, I met Tracey and her gang and never looked back after that, I went from just walking home with them all, to meeting them early in the morning and spending all morning in the cafe until it was JUST time to go to school, then we'd get into school JUST as the bell was ringing. I then started hanging around with them at weekends, I knew I'd never be as good as the Beauty (pffft) Tracey, but at least I was kinda accepted.
It was because of them that I ended up attending my GCSE Sociology pissed as a fart, I'm surprised it even got graded considering I couldn't focus on the paper. What am I saying? It was with their help that I got drunk, but the choice was all mine.. or was it, I think I got pushed into it actually. Sanity would have told me not to do it, but the yearning of being one of the gang made me do it. Diamond White, that was our tipple, or Thunderbirds, the blue one, the red one was not so sweet.
I even regret to this day losing my virginity in her spare bedroom to my then boyfriend ON my 16th Birthday, she dared me to do it so I did. I wish to this day that I had saved it... for that someone special, because he wasn't special, not in the slightest. He was my first anger management requiring boyfriend though, he used to push me around and beat me to the point that I would get a bruise, so I didn't get bruised. At the time I didn't think there was anything better for me.
Then I met Kane at the training centre for NVQ's in Business Admin, he was so cool, I was 17 and he was 31, but who cared about the age difference, I didn't and neither did he. It would be heavily frowned upon now though don't you think?
Relationship with him was rather stormy to say the least. When I split with him and agreed to have a drink with him to talk to him it ended up with him getting pissed and holding me up against the pub wall outside by my throat, threatening that he knew how to kill me and if I said one word out of turn he would. It was a lovely passer by that rescued me and got him off me and his mate and his girlfriend drove me home, shortly after this he followed and came to the house asking for his things, my Mum nearly threw them at him she was annoyed with him I think. I can't remember, but I can vividly remember being held by the throat with my feet barely touching the floor. Sometimes if someone approaches me with their hands up it gives me a flash back even now 15 years later.
It was then that I ended up being mixed up with a married man, I didn't know he was married, and especially didn't know he had children, but when I found out, that was it, he was highly addictive, but I gave him up like a bad drug.
I'm not going to continue with my line of fellers after that, basically it was Dale who stole my wages and spent them on alcohol and gambling every day so I had to get a week's food out of £10, back then it was scrapeably possible, if I just had KwikSaves own brand of value stuff. They were the first supermarket that came out with the cheaper "value no posh printed packaging" idea, and I'm glad that they did, we still choose the "cheaper option" today heheh It wasn't long before my Nan helped me kick the crap out, his own Mother told me that I was too good for him and I should get out before anything goes wrong... as for the bedsit? I hated that place, it was so scary, my neighbour would come home every weekend pissed as a fart and with someone's blood on him and a bit of his own and I used to have to clean him up like a respectful parent or girlfriend, truth being I thought he was a hunk, but I was petrified of him.
Then it was the turn of the Ex, the Anchor, so I really haven't had as many men as Simon presumes I've had, I have no idea why I have the impression of being promiscuous?
No one will ever realise the amount of fear and dread I lived with whilst living with the Ex, he never hit me but he was always that one miniscule step before hitting me which scared the life out of me, like he wanted to hit me to relieve his tension?
I won't go into relationships with him now I think I have waffled on far too much on this blog *blush*
Incidentally, Tracey is now fatter than me. I guess justice was finally served?
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